Another Goal

Enter at least one writing contest every month of 2010.

Recapping 2009 and looking toward 2010

2009 was a reactive year for me. The word I chose for the year was searching, but I think either is actually apprpriate. I spent the year searching for what I wanted and reacting to what was in front of me. I want to focus on not being reactive, but proactive in 2010. I want to live my life instead of it living me.

A lot of the chaos in 2009 was because of my unhealthy pregnancy and the problems I had at work. I spent a lot of time working on how to releive my stress enough that I would no longer have blood pressure problems and was not successful. I spent a lot of time resting, which is fine- I need to draw from that resting time now.

I have some goals I've been carrying over from year to year and I no longer want to do that. In 2010 I will:

1) Make some progress on the clothing line. I will have samples made that I can work out in. I will have three meetings with potential investors/sales. The clothes will be for sale in 2011.

2) I will exhibit my photos. Even if that exhibit is just hanging them all around our house and having friends over. I will exhibit them.

3) I will complete The Book of Ruth by June 1, 2010.

4) I will complete The Pilates Lifestyle by April 1, 2010.

5) I will write every day.

I will now combine my goals (I have them in 3 places) and make a pretty piece showing all of them so that I can set monthly goals to work towards.

Podcasting

Kicking around the idea of trying a Podcast, but worried that I post so sporadically here and my other blog that adding something else isn't a good idea. But Austin is starting to go to bed earlier at night, maybe I can set a schedule to make my creative things start to happen???

Thoughts for 2010

I will add to this list in the next week, but some goals I have for 2010:

1) Sell photos and jewelry at at least one craft show/arts fair/farmer's market

2) Set up etsy store for photos and jewelry

3) Create more photo galleries in my house like the one in my room

4) One artist date per month

5) Do morning pages every day
*******Yes, I know this is a lofty goal- doing anything every day short of brushing my teeth is a lofty goal, but it is who I want to be--an artist, an author. This I will do for myself.***********

6) Sell one article a month FOR MONEY beginning in June. Which means I have to start the submissions process now.

7) Take (as in, read) the free online writing courses I've found

8) Do one COMPLETE writing project a month. What I mean by COMPLETE: begin and end a piece of writing ala NANO. The editing can come later.

Merry Christmas

I hope your day has been filled with love and laughter!

Amanda Moon

I don't cry anymore

I don't cry anymore
I want to, my heart aches with the same intesity
But my eyes stay dry
My jaw set so hard that it hurts

I don't cry anymore
I want to scream, kick, stamp and throw
But I sit quiety and pretend to be happy
Looking at others- do you think they know?

I don't cry anymore
Betrayl feels old hat
Instead I curl up on my bed
When I sleep I can shut it all out

I don't cry anymore
And I don't feel anymore hope
I'm not surprised enough to be hurt
It is what it is, this is where I'm at

Quest for a bag

I am on a quest. I am searching for the Holy Grail of handbags- one that is cute and still big enough to carry my computer, a notebook, a book or two (until Santa brings me a Kindle) my phone, wallet and all the various cords I have. And keep it all organized. I have a Timbuk2 tote now that carries it all but doesn't organize. I'm looking at the letter bag at moop.com. Any other suggestions?

Amanda Moon

Perfect Evening

A fire, a comfy chair, a glass of hot chocolate. Good music, my daughter snoring and silence from my son's room. I got to write. In my own house. With my family home. Uninterrupted for almost 2 hours. It was a perfect night.

I did close my eyes to try to get a clearer view to describe one of my charecters and fell asleep though. Off to bed now.

Amanda

Do you ever feel like life is happening to you rather than something you're living? I think the endless hours lost to TV contribute to that feeling, but I also know that completly giving up TV is pretty unrealistic for me. Regardless, I vow right now to start living. More attention and intention, less reaction.

I've been away for a while now

Sorry. I'm sure you've grown tired of checking to see if I have posted anything new and have just stopped looking. My life has not been the shiniest, happiest place for the last few months and I've been in hiding. My first thought was to try to post something every day that made me happy, but that seemed trite and I got too busy. Then, when I really wanted to pour my heart out and say what was going on, I got scared that some of you readers may know me and see me in real life and *gasp* try to actually help me. So I kept my mouth shut (or fingers still, if you will) and just stopped blogging.

But I'm back. I want to be able to share the beauty and encouragement I receive, and I want to share this journey of healing. Because we have to heal, everything has to get better eventually, it can't stay like this forever.

Series Ideas

I'm trying to keep my blogs updated, but somedays I have a hard time thinking of content. Here are a few of my current, day of the week themed ideas:

Friday Fitness- tip or idea
Sunday Son-day (this play on words is almost too lame, but it would be a theme verse for the upcoming week)

My daily goals

Or to-dos...or whatever. This is the stuff that if I get it done I will feel like I've accomplished something today:

1) Make a working list of the Pilates Principles
2) Go for a walk (guess I should have worn different shoes...I can go with the kids when I get home).
3) Look at 2 more master's programs.
4) Fix my prodcut links on the Pilates and Pregnancy Product Reviews. (If you read them and have other suggestions, let me know!)
5) Set up google analytics

Thank Yous

I'm over thanking people for doing their jobs. Now, I know this is going to come off as snarky and synical, but hear me out:

I guess I should clarify- I am all about please and thank you. I say them both way too much to the point that my boss has taken to coaching me not to say please so much because it makes people think they have an option when really they don't. I kind of disagree with that premise, I think adding a please can go a long way in softening an "order" but whatever, it's not worth arguing over. What I'm over is giving special recognition to people for doing the basic tenants of the job you have hired and paid them for. I think that recognition should be reserved for special circumstanses- when they have gone above and beyond the call of duty. Some feel that giving special recogognition for the small things will acutally motivate people to do more, but in my experience it has the opposite effect. It seems that many people, when they receive special recognition, think they have already done something special and that they should continue to work at that level. They seem to forget that what they did is their job, so they wait for special instructions to do the same thing again.

This is all very abstract, so let me give you an example: if you are a content writer for a website, it is your job to write the content. It is the website's job to make sure their relationsship with major search engines is such that people can search for and find your writing. You don't get a pat on the back each day that you post an article, the website techs shouldn't get a pat on the back when they correct a problem that was causing your articles to be in impossible to search. But because they got one, the next time there is a problem, rather than buckling down and quickly fixing it, they remember that the last time there was a problem they got special recognitio for finding a solution, so therefore working on it must be outside the scope of their day-to-day work and it is placed on the back burner.

Another example is if part of your job is to scan documents into a database. Your supervisor has discussed this with you, but you don't like this particular aspect of your job, so you put it off and put it off, until the person who needs to retrieve the documents from the database asks your supervisor about it. So, you spend some time that day scanning the documents that have been waiting for weeks to be scanned. You shouldn't receive special recognition for the getting them all done in one day or hour or whatever it was, you should be reprimanded for not doing your job in a timely manner and having to be asked mutliple times like a child.

Nobody ever thanks me for cleaning out my inbox every day, or administering my programs to the best of my ability, and I don't expect them to. It's my job. I get recognized for doing that job on the 15th and 30th of each month when I get my paycheck.

I'm just saying...our efforts to be polite and encouraging are biting us in the ass.

The Noticer Review

The Noticer is okay. It's not bad, it's not amazingly good. At times it feels like a series of short stories around the the theme of "Jones" rather than a cohesive book about a certain period in Andy's life. The end of the first chapter launches into a resume of Andy's accomplishments in such a way that the book feels like it's becoming a self-help guide. Later, a large portion of that first chapter is repeated, and not even in theme, but word for word, which gets to be a bit much.

The book seems like it was made to be used as a discussion guide for a Bible study which makes the story feel forced, like there were certain themes that the author knew he wanted to include. If you're using it as a discussion guide, you will be pleased. If you're trying to just read it on your own, you may not feel compelled to finish it.

Thankful list

Today, I'm thankful for:

A job that pays well
A husband that, when he tries, is the kindess, most thoughtful person I've ever met
My kids
The opportunities I've found and been given to write

Amanda Moon

Strong Life Review: Ah ha!

The concepts laid out in this book fly in the face of conventional wisdom, but as Buckingham develops them with numerous examples from both research and real life, you have that “Ah ha!” moment. As a mother of 2, with a full time job to pay the bills and a part time job that I love, I have had a constant struggle to find balance between doing what I love, spending time with my family, and being fully present at work. No matter what I do it doesn’t seem to work (and I have an incredibly supportive husband.) Then I read Buckinham’s explanation of balance and why it is an unfulfilling goal. Ah-ha! In order to balance, the scale must be perfectly still. There can be no movement from balance- once you achieve it you’re stuck.

This is just one of the numerous “Ah ha!” moments I had while reading this book. I dog-eared pages, I marked the parts I wanted my husband to read. The advice is real, actionable and practical. In fact, the final portion of the book is a sort of “FAQs of a Strong Life”- you’ve gained all of this amazing insight into yourself, your work, your family- here’s how to implement it.

Highly recommended. It’s written in a conversational style that I could have breezed right through, but it resonated in a way that made me constantly put it down and think about what I had just read and how it applied.

I'm thankful

This has been a really hard month. I've had problems with my husband, problems with my health, problems at work and problems with family. But today, I just want to be thankful. The song "It is well" keeps going through my mind. It is well with my soul. While life around me in a lot of ways seems to be falling apart, it is making me stronger. This is what I'm thankful for today:

1) My amazing children
2) My cute puppy, whose fleas we can't seem to get rid of, but who is still happy to see me every day.
3) My friends- I don't feel like I have a lot of close friends, but the ones I have are amazing- whether it's letting me cry on the phone or coming over in the middle of the night to take care of my kids while I'm at the hospital- I am so thankful.

4) My family
5) My in-laws
6) I'm not sick anymore
7) My creativity and the opportunity to express it thru this blog and my other sites.
8) My iPhone that let's me type this even tho I'm not at my computer
9) My bed- it is one of the most comfortable places in the universe
10) Podcasts- free and inspiring. What more can I say.

Have a good weekend- look for things to be thankful for and it can really change your attitude no matter the situation. It won't fix the problems or make them go away, but thankfulness can remind you how strong you are and how you can get thru it.

Adios!

Creative Blog Inspirations

I'm so inspired by the Rockstar Diaries, Hip Tranquil Chick, Naturally Nina, and Pennyweight Online blogs. I want this blog to inspire others like theirs inspire me. But I'm not super Internet savvy, and I'm not indie rock chick. I want to be indie rock chick, but the fashion doesn't suit me. I'm better in some nice work trousers and cute, work appropriate tops and jackets. Not ever ever ever an actual suit, but the pieces. Skinny jeans don't work on me because I'm not, and I've never had much luck at vintage shops- apparently the women of old didn't have my body. Actually, I think it's more the proprietors of the vintage shops that don't have my body, because my grandma had some rockin' clothes back in the day that I had no problem pilfering. But anyway- I want to be inspiring. I want to post my photography and have other people grab it and go. I want to have my blog linked to by other people- not because I'm so super cool, but because it is somehow inspiring to them. I want to be inspiring to my daughter as she gets older. She seems to have a bit of an art streak in her- I want to encourage that as much as possible, without pushing her in a bad way.

My book will be published by December 3, 2011. Wow- that's coming up quick. I need to get writing!

Goals for the Day

Today this feels more like a to-do list than a goals list, but what can you do:

1) Do more research on online masters programs

2) Either walk or ride bike for 45 minutes

3) Figure out how to keep Austin awake all afternoon- it worked all weekend, why can't he sleep during the week when we work????

Pilates 101: The Cadillac

Check out my latest examiner.com post. It's the first in a new Pilates Equipment series- I'll be posting a new item each day this week.

Goals for the Day

1) Plan Meals for Week

2) Not puke

3) Go through closet and clean it out.

Blog Addiction

I have a confession. I have an addiction to blogs. Not so much to blogging, but to the idea of blogs. I think I want to make another blog about my efforts to deal with my stress and to become more content. I am going to sleep on it for the night. Thinking about trying to find a guided Bible study about contentment, but wondering now if striving for contentment is the wrong thing- I should instead be striving for thankfulness. Because if I'm truly thankful for what I have, then I will be happy. And it's not bad to be working towards being the best, but it's being dissatisfied with where I'm at that causes the problem.

Monday Goals

I'm having a hard time thinking of goals for today that go beyond a list of to-dos, and at the same time I'm thinking that I should start setting weekly and monthly goals in addition to my daily ones. I've really got a problem with biting off more than I can chew.

1) Pull out all creativity books so that I can at least see what I have

2) Indulge in sweet potato fries for lunch. (Homemade. Yum.)

3) Clean bedroom.

Book Review: The Knockout Entrepreneur by George Foreman w/ Ken Abraham

Rating: 2/5

The Knockout Entrepreneur is told through a series of analogies from George Foreman’s business and boxing experience. You can skip all of the stories, though, and read just the “Knockout Ideas to Stimulate Your Success” at the end of each chapter to get the gist of the book.

While the analogies are often entertaining, they aren’t often incredibly relevant or inspiring. There is little organization or flow to the order of the stories, and many seem like they have been included in the wrong chapter. Some of the analogies- such as his statement that your accountant is akin to a technician in the boxing ring (the man who scouts the competition for you and helps you strategically fight) are downright wrong. Yes, an accountant can help you make strategic decisions, but I’ve yet to meet one who is a scout.

George does to an excellent job encouraging integrity and honesty in all business an personal situations. However, it appears that George has built his business entirely on the success of endorsement deals and he has never been involved in the inception of development of a product or idea. This begs the question: What makes him an expert I should listen to? There are better business books on the market which follow the same ethical standards.

Book Preview: http://thomasnelson.insidethecover.com/widget/?isbn=9780785222088

Goals for the Day

Take Lily to playground down the road

Set up indoor trainer and ride bike for 30 min after Lily's in bed

Take a nap

Evening Check In

On my way to bed, but reflecting on my day and thought I'd post an update to my goals:

Clean House: Didn't happen.
Make meal plan for next week: Sort of- have decided to try Super Suppers for next week's meals, actually, in order to use my coupon I essentially have to buy enough for 1/2 a month.
Hug Chris- Did it!

Best part of my day: my nap!

Goals for the Day

So, yesterday the goals didn't go so well. In fact, I didn't accomplish any of them. However, I do have an idea for the PilatesforMommies post and plan to do it as soon as I'm done with my Morning Pages. And I had an amazing Pilates lesson. I tried to go for a walk, but Chris had the double stroller. So...goals for today:

Clean House
Make meal plan for next week
Hug Chris

Goals for September 10

1) Write a post for Pilates for Mommies
2) Create a plan for creative time a few days a week
3) Go for a walk.

Hard

I look at my new son, and some of the anger and hurt and pain goes away. I hear my daughter laugh and forget I was just about to cry. And then... I look away, another sound catches my ear, and it all comes rushing back. Not only am I dealing with the actual facts of the situation, I'm dealing with my own fears and speculations- is there more than he's admitting? And the Sex in the City scenes flashing through my head don't help at all.

We are going tonight to talk to some friends that have made it through this. I know it's necessary, but I'm petrified. The last time we tried to talk to someone about the problems we were having I felt blame. I felt stupid and belittled and blamed. (Funny how I still very much respect the people we were talking to, I just really felt like they were having a very off-day that day.) I don't want that to happen again. It can't happen again.

So much of myself wants to run away. Then there is a little bit bigger part of myself that is looking past the self preservation and remembering to grab the kids on the way out the door. Then, the bigger part of myself that knows that space isn't the answer. It's not even really what I want, but the pain is making me feel claustrophobic right now and it's the only answer I can think of. At least I'm smart enough to know that the pain claustrophobia won't go away just because I'm in a different state. It'll follow me, it has no boundaries.

So I'll stay. We have to get through this somehow. I have to get through this somehow.

Goals for the day

1) Stop feeling so tired

2) Find someone I can talk to in confidence about what is going on.

3) Be focused on my kids when I'm with my kids, be focused on work when I'm working.

Goals for the day

So, it's a bit late in the day to finally be posting these, but I've had them in the back of my head all day, and have actually been working toward them:

1) If I can't control it, let it go.

2) Tell Chris about my two newest writing ideas

3) Tell at least one more person about my examiner.com page.

The last week

It's 2:55pm. My son is 64 hours old. I am sitting by his pod in the NICU, watching his rig cage go up and down, ip and down. Sometimes it goes too fast, but at least it keeps going. The last three days have been kind of a blur. Monday we went Into the doctor and were told exactly what we were hoping to hear: "enough is enough, let's go to the hospital and get this baby out." I was thrilled. We had had an ultrasound the week before, so we knew te baby was big enough to be born. I was past the 37 week mark, so we assumed he was fully developed. I was tired of being sick, of having to limit everything I was doing, if nit being allowed to leave the house except to see the doctor, of trying to defend every action I had taken ever time my blood pressure rose
Amanda Moon

No work allowed

I don't hate my job. (It's telling that I typed that with a ? instead of . the first time.) But I really don't- I work with some great people, and we do great things. But it is a job, not a career. And it's the second time I've tried doing it. I really thought when I went back that was what I wanted, but ever since I've been wondering. Especially since getting pregnant again. The idea of taking Austin to daycare when he is 6-10 weeks old (depending on when he actually comes) literally makes me want to puke. Lily loves the daycare, but she might not hate it here if I made her days structured and fun. I would have to join play groups, etc...but it's not horrible.

But I'm not talking about not working. I'm talking about taking a second try at this independance thing. Teaching, writing. These are the two things I really want to do, and these are the two things that I really don't know how I can do with two kids and a full time job that consumes me.

Even though it's been a full 24 hours since my doctor told me that work was over now, completely over until the baby comes, I've still been thinking about it for about 23.5 of those hours.

I jumped back into work because I enjoyed it, I enjoyed being at Next Big Nashville for that week and working. But since I've been back, I really can't think of any time when I would say I've loved my job. I've hated it at times, I've tolerated it a lot, I almost quit a few times, mostly over Cheri but also over the fact that I wasn't excited about putting two kids in daycare anyway.

Then we moved into this new, beautiful house that I absolutely love and I redid the budget and didn't think quitting was an option. Then I realized that, without actually cutting back on anything except daycare, I can quit my job and we'd be okay. If nothing changes with Chris's job, which we won't know until next month.

What sucks is, I know I'm good at my job. I'm really good at it, which is part of the problem, I have done so well that I have way way way too much on my plate. And I've tried to point that out to my supervisors on multiple occasions, but to no avail- I get temporary help, but I end up getting more done than I thought I could and I am left with the same work load because I have obviously been able to handle it. Then I make a mistake, and although my bosses assure me that it's okay, my clients, who I have bent over backwards for on more than one occasion, make me feel like an absolutely horrible person. I expect perfection from myself, and other people expect it from me too, but perfection all the time (therefore, perfection in definition) is not possible. All I can do is apologize and admit my mistake and figure out what caused it and how to fix it.

But what about when that fix involves other people doing their jobs, and me having extra time to do mine correctly? And, I'm not working more than the 40 hours a week required. I'm not spending my nights and weekends doing the things that I don't have time to do during the days. Well, that's not completely true- for the last 7 months I've been checking my email on my phone during nights and weekends and keeping it caught up at all times. I've taken two vacations, both of which I worked on, to the tune of taking a total of 4 vacation days when I was out of the office for 10. I went on an actual vacation, which was agreed upon when I was hired, and ended up having my pay docked for a week and a half.

One of our job requirements is that we think of our job as a career- but I don't. I think of it as a temporary way to make ends meet and make money for my family. I also think of it as the reason why my kids have to be in daycare 10 hours a day and someone else fixes my daughter's hair more often than I do.

I know I can't make this decision now, while I'm still upset about what happened yesterday. The thing is, I know that deep down I don't really want to quit- there are parts of my job that I really enjoy. No, I'm not sure if that's completely right- I don't want to let anyone down, that's why I'm not sure if I can quit. It's also hard to know, that, more than any other place I've quit, this bridge would burn behind me. They took me back once, they won't do it again. And I wasn't happy at home, I was bored. I guess I can use the first few weeks of Austin's young life as a test to see if I can make this work, but that would be awful hard to do considering that those weeks are not an indication of what life is actually going to be like.

So, I will write and blog and journal for the next week at least. Try to figure out where I really am at with all this.

A wasted night?

Had grand plans for tonight- going to get a lot of writing done, do some work... but, nope. Cleaned up my desktop and did random web surfing. Oh well.

Bedtime

Everyime I look at her, I'm amazed. I can't believe something that beautiful is half me. The half that is from him, I can see that, because he is that beautiful to me too. But she is half me.

Mist people actually say she looks the moat likeme, and I agree that her features resemble my baby pictures most than his. But I don't thunk she loos like me now.

First of all, I don't think I'm beautiful. Even wijiutnall of this pregnancy weight, and left over post pregnancy weight (yes, it's possible to have both at the same time) I've never thought o myself as beautiful. It isn't because people never told me I was, because they did, it's just that my two best friends were (are) supermodel beautiful and I was told how pretty they were a lot. By guys I had been hoping to date.

But she's here, half me, and absolutely georgeous. One thing she definately got from me is her laugh. Her daddy doesn't laugh outnloud much, it is one of my hobbies. Hyperventalating belly laughing. She does that too.

Her litle broter is growing inside if me right now, building up strength for the day very soon when he will be born. This pregnancy has been a lot harder in sOme ways, alot easier in others. It's hard now, hard not to worry about what is happening to my body, about what the consequenses might be if he is born too soon. Part of me wants to protect him by refusing, not matter what the dr says, to have him before I eiher begin labor naturally or hit 37 weeks. But the other part of me wants to be sure I'm here and healthy enough to watch him grow up. I'm not sure which is more selfish- I couldn't live with myself if he has some horrible health problems because he's premature, but I'm not much help sick or worse.

Amanda Moon

What to write

I'm in the middle of about 3 different pieces, and I don't want to finish any of them because they are too personal. I want to write a novel. I remember always hearing that you write about what you know, but how do you get away from writing about your life? How do you use something as a starting point, but then move it quickly into it's own thing.

Changing names and places doesn't work for me. And the circumstances are the starting point. I don't think my life story is all that unique, so I know that what I'm writing about other people can relate to, but really...I don't want to write a memoir or auto biography. Or do I?

Reading about Writing

I do a lot of reading about writing. So much in fact, that I am right now inspired to put down my book and actually do some writing about writing. But maybe, instead of writing about writing, I should just write, and work on my project. So I'm going to. While I'm tied to this bed to make my child go to sleep, I'm going to write.

You've Got a Story

There's this old Christian song that has a line that says "You've got a story to tell." It's specifically talking about how your testimony doesn't have to be some super amazing I-used-to-be-a-drug-addict story, but that God worked in your life, no matter how simply. I've been thinking about that a lot as it relates to my writing.

I've got a story to tell. It's burning inside of me, itching to get out. I don't know what it is yet though. I don't know if it has roots in my life story, or if it is something completely different, with different characters than I've ever known. But I've got a story to tell and I need to get it out.

Writing Time?

This has been my reading time- the time when I just sit in Lily's room waiting for her to fall asleep. But, I think I might be able to use it for writing time too. As long as the tapping at the keyboard doesn't bother her. It's still light enough outside that the light from the screen isn't a big deal, which is nice.

I starting reading Julia Cameron's book something about Paper...I can't remember the name right now- Sound of Paper maybe? last night. I was just trying it out- I got it from the library to see if I wanted to buy it, but I got kind of into it. I'm trying to keep myself from starting anything new right now though, so I kind of made myself quit. I don't know if that was a good idea or not, but between the two jobs and the almost 2 kids, I have enough on my plate. I don't like starting things I can't commit to, it makes me feel like I'm failing when I can't complete it. I am excited to dive into it after the baby is born though- the way it's broken up will work really good for my schedule- it seems like for each section you really only need 15-20 min, which is often all that I have.

Lily used to go to sleep so well on her own, now she lays and plays with her feet and just generally won't stay in her room. I don't know how I feel about putting a lock on the outside of her door, even though I've been told that's what works.

Opportunities

So many opportunities right now to write: there are my blogs, there is "The Skinny On" writing contest which deadlines on July 2, there is the Ink Monkey which deadlines on October 1 and is for fiction only which would be a good exercise for me, there is examiner.com which I should fill out today, and there are the Pilates blogs that I could submit to. Oh- and HerNashville- I would love to get something published in there. It's exciting to think about!

Baby Weight

When people, at least the people in my close cirlces, talk about loosing their baby weight, they are talking about the physical act of giving birth and having their blood volume return to normal, because once that happens, they are back at their pre-pregnancy weight, give or take 5-9 pounds. Yes, their pants might not fit quite right, but give it a couple of months and everything is back to normal.

Me, I gained more than 50lbs with my first child, and only lost about 25 of that with the birth and everything going back to normal. Then my pediatrician's nurse made me feel like I wasn't producing enough milk because my baby wasn't growing quickly enough her first week, so I ate more often and ended up gaining another 10 lbs. Then I had ankle surgery (yes, with a 6 week old new born) which put me on crutches for 6 weeks and in boot for 4 more. The weight was definately not falling off.

I don't think I did too badly while I was pregnant. Yes, there were often times when I would eat more than was neccissary, but it wasn't out of control. I wasn't one of those people who constantly said "I'm eating for two" to justify what she was putting into her mouth. A lot of my now-at-pre-pregnancy size friends were those people, and somehow, they are just as small as they were before the baby. I, on the other hand, am not.

My weight has always been an adventure, if that's the right word. I weighed 150 lbs in 5th grade. The reason I remember this is because I severly sprained my ankle that summer (it was actually probobly broken, but we didn't learn that until I was 18) and we were living in our camper while our house was being built. My dad realized he couldn't pick me up anymore and asked me what I weighed, and determined it was no longer safe for me to be on the top bunk.

When I graduated from high school I think I was around 180. I topped 200 during my freshman year of college when I hit the two hundred teens, but I lost 20 lbs during Christmas break by reading some book and journaling my food. My weight stayed pretty steady then for a while, hovering somewhere in the 190 range until I got married.

Not sure what happened then...wait...yes I am. My now- husband and I spent most of our dates going out to eat. I worked ridiculous hours that messed with my metabloism, and I ate simply to stay awake at some point on most days. The summer after we were married I topped out at 225 I believe, and realized I had to make a change. I started journalling my food again and got down to 202 in about 3 months. I joined Weight Watchers and 6 months later I broke the 170 mark on the scale for the first time since sometime in junior high. I was getting frustrated with Weight Watchers by then tho, first of all because as I lost weight I got to eat less and less and I was at the point where I truely felt like I wasn't getting enough food. I was training to walk a marathon and desperately hungry all the time. Plus, my goal weight was 150 (I'm only 5'4") and I didn't think I'd ever actually get there seeing as that was my weight when I was 10 years old. So, I decided to save the money each week and I quit.

I stopped tracking my food, but I continued with my exercise. I gained about 5 lbs back pretty quickly, but it stopped there. Until I got pregnant.

Now, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't give up my fantastic daughter to be thinner, but the thought of having to loose it all over again is daunting.

After my ankle surgery I joined Weight Watchers again, but as a nursing mother the points system didn't work for me at all. First of all, the numbers were completely arbitrary- if I ate everything I was allowed to I would gain a lot of weight. So, since I was getting essentially no guidance, I quit again. I started exercising again on a regular basis, and decided to do a triathlon. The training was successful, I didn't loose as much weight as I was hoping with it but I did make huge gains in my fitness level. I successfully completed in the first weekend in October. A month or so later, I became pregnant with our second child.

This pregnancy has been much better on the weight gain side- so far I'm only at 25lbs and I'm 8 months along. However, I started this pregnancy almost 30 lbs heavier than I started the last one and that's causing some problems- for one thing, my joints hurt. Secondly, the high blood pressure problems I had during my first pregnancy are multiplied by the fact that my weight is so much higher this time (no one has medically confirmed that for me, but it just seems to make common sense.) So even as I'm planning for this baby to come out and how life with two kids and two jobs is going to look, I'm also planning for how I'm going to loose this weight. All of it. I had some really cute clothes before I got pregnant with Lily and I want to get back into them. Or something similar. I'm not unrealistic about my body type- a body that has had a baby is not the same as one that hasn't. Unless there is surgery involved, but I don't have that kind of money.

Bedtime

Sitting here, listening to my daughter cry hysterically, I wonder if it's really the right thing to do. I mean, I enjoy reading, can't I just sit in there and read until she falls asleep like we've been doing for the last week? Is it really fair to her that, because I'm having another baby, she doesn't get the comfort of knowing we're right there?

Except that she used to be fine with it. And we've lived in this house for 2 weeks now, it's not all that new. It shouldn't be so scary for her anymore. She just thinks she's missing something if we're not there with her.

Knowing that doesn't make me feel like any less of a bad mom though.

My goals for this week

1) Pick another publication and plan an article for it (the actual article to be finished by the end of next week.
2) Eat no more than 2 meals out (I'm not counting lunch today, but I'm not giving myself a get out of jail free card for Tuesday and Wednesday either).
3) Walk at least 3 days for at least 30 min- this is harder than it sounds 8 months pregnant when the highs are in the 80s and 90s all week.
4) Get up at least 2 mornings and either swim or do yoga.

June 13

What is it about Saturday mornings that make people think they don't need to shower or wear clean clothes? I'm guilty of it too, as is everyone I know. You don't really plan on doing anything, so you don't really get dressed. Then you end up needing to run and do one errand, which turns into 2, which turns into being out all afternoon in yesterday (or last week's) dirty clothes with your greasy hair either pulled back in a pony tail or hidden underneath a baseball cap, neither of which really does any good because the fly-aways give away the fact that you didn't even brush it this morning.

Is it weird that I only wash my hair about once a week? Shouldn't my body produce more oil than that? I've heard that the oil production on your head is dictated by the amount that you wash- the more you wash the more oil you produce and vice versa. That might be true, because i had cut back to washing every 2 days, then 3, now it's really like once or twice a week. It might also be because I'm not exercising much, when I was getting all sweaty and gross I think I needed to wash it more.

Who is this blog for? What is the point? It's definately for me to "journal" in, but do I want it to do any more? I don't think so. My pilatesformommies blog is definately for a wider audiance, but I don't really care if anyone ever reads this one. Actually, I probobly prefer if they don't. I guess I could make it private, I don't really want to do that either though, I'm not sure why. If it was private I could not sensor myself at all, I do to a certain extent now but it's not all that serious.

I don't know what to do about work. Pilates work I mean. Now I'm sensoring myself. Interesting how I just typed about not doing that and then moved on to a topic where I feel it's neccissary.

Austin is moving so much- he's a lot more active than I remember Lily being. I asked Chris last night if I was this uncomfortable with Lily and he said I was, I just don't remember it. I guess that means I'll forget how uncomfortable I am now too. I don't remember what labor pain was like at all, which is fine, except that I'm starting to get scared of it again.

I hope we can finish getting the house put away today. That would be amazing!

June 12

June is half over already. I've got my iced coffee-milk in hand (more accurate than iced latte as far as I'm concerned) and I'm ready for the day.

Or at least a nice long nap.

I'm definately a "dive into it" person when I get to work, which makes it hard to keep the commitment to do morning pages here. I'm also the mother of a 1 year old though, and that makes it nearly impossible to do them at home. Yes, I could get up earlier and try to do it before she gets up, but I'm 8 months pregnant. I like to sleep.

Speaking of...do I ask Erin if I can take her other class tomorrow, or do I go ahead and give her back the 8am so that I don't have to come in? I can't really take a class, because I can't do anything at this point. I could give myself a lesson, but quite honestly, I don't feel like it. I could use the hour to write, but I could do that at home too. And get my grocery shopping done and my meals planned for the week. But the money would be good for us too.

I'm trying not to be stressed about money, I'm really not sure why I am so stressed at this time. I'm kind of freaking out though. It's just a lot. I don't think it's really sunk in for me yet that the credit cards are paid off, so the bills we get are the bills we get, I'm not going to have to figure out how to pay those and put a significant amount of money towards debt also.

Okay, I need to start work. Off to my day.

I say I want to write...

I say I want to write, but I don't do it. Each night I have free time between when Lily goes to be and when I go to bed- sure I might be completely exhausted, but still. If it was something I really wanted to do, I would have the motivation to do it, right?

Right...except that I am afraid. It has taken me a really long time to say this, but I am afraid that if I try to write something it's going to be bad, or at least not nearly as good as everyone thought my writing was when I was in elementary school. I'm also afraid that it will be really good, because what will that mean for me and my life. Will I be able to make a career out of it? I don't know if I can take being really good at another thing and not being able to have a career doing it (like Pilates). I don't think I can add a third job along with my second child.

Can I put another thing on my to-do list? I have to finish reading the ACE book so I can take the test. Can I read and do any of the other books that I have in my bookshelf?

I really wish I could make a living doing what I want to do...but I am afraid to make a leap. We can't afford it right now with two kids and a new house.

May 20

I realized something last night. Or yesterday during the day I guess technically. Actually, I just realized something right now too. I'll start with now, because my mind doesn't want to confront what I realized last night. I just realized that I can't do this without having music on. I really think it would be great if I could get to the point where I could, I think that the music is a way for me to be distracted and that's not what I want when I'm doing my morning pages. If the music isn't just right, then I want to change it and I start switching back and forth between iPods and wasting all sorts of time.

What I realized last night is that I really want to write. Everything else I do is perifrial- I want to write but I can't spell- anyway- I love Pilates but I'd like to write about it. My favorite days at work on when I get to draft things. That was my favorite thing to do at Million Man, Alabaster, all of my internships, etc. I love to write. I always have, ever since I was a little kid. But I'm scared. What if I'm really bad at it? I know I'm really bad at the follow-through part of it, but I think that's really all just born out of a fear of failure. What is keeping me from writing a book? Eating and watching TV basically.

At the new house I'll have an office. I can be in there working while Chris is in the family room watching TV. I can be close to my family but doing my own thing. I bought a computer so I could do this for heaven's sakes. I have great ideas, I'm good at getting my ideas down on paper, just not good at developing them. When did I get so shot down????? I don't remember ever having my writing critisized in a bad way. Even Mr. Brown, who was always negative, gave me good feedback. I've been published multiple times. Why am I not doing this?

I have had the article for Pilates Digest done for over 6 months and haven't sent it. Why? I don't know. Why don't I want to be published? Why am I sabatoging myself so much?

My time is almost up, I was really hoping that this would just cause some answers to flow out of my fingers but it's not happening. Maybe I should go back and re-do the creativity circle again. I have all of the information and assignments, it would be a good kick in the pants to get going. I could also work through some of the other books I bought. I need to just get going. I will become involved with the writers meet up before Austin is born. In June, after the move, I will make the time for myself to go, even though I will probobly only be able to go once before he comes. At least it's a start.

May 19

I'm proud of myself, I just sat down at my desk and I'm starting to write. And I read part of the ACE manual last night. I have so much personally that I need to do I think I'm going to have another day where I can't focus:
1) Call utility companies for McMahan
2) Call utility companies for Gardendale
3) Research Seating
4) Pick day for ACE test
5) Exercise (I'm committed to doing this on my lunch break again. I was going to lift weights, but I forgot to bring shoes, so I'll swim).

I wish I had some clearer direction and was more content. I don't hate this job in any way shape or form, but I'm not as happy with the rest of my life as I was when I worked here before. I feel like I'm constantly playing catch up. Maybe it's a new mom thing that I'll get used to. Maybe I need more friends to help me through it. I think it'll be better after we move and I have Austin, when I can stay up a bit later at night to spend time with Chris and I'm not so exhausted every day that I feel like I don't have any fun with Lily. I'm also excited to wear normal clothes again.

All of this, and I am terrified that this baby is going to come too soon. I feel guilty saying I'm uncomfortable and that I'm tired of wearing maternity clothes (or not, I just don't want to go buy any more. I wonder if all of my shirts are going to look funny after my belly is gone.)

May 18

Okay, first of all, let's talk about signing into a blog. Why is it that about 1/2 the time it remembers me and my password, and the other half it acts like this computer has never visited this website before? I get not keepign the password forever and ever amen, but usually most keep the username.

I'm downloading a podcast that was posted a bit later than it normally is so I didn't get it on my home computer. I love my iPhone. I think I just got stuck in iTunes Store never never land though. The other thing about the iPhone is the Genius Playlist capability, the only problem is about half of my music came from Chris and isn't the final mastered version so it's not recognized. Oh well... I don't know why music can so dictate my ability to work (or journal, as it may be.)

I spent most of the weekend frustrated, feeling like I have no idea how I'm going to do this job and teach Pilates and have any chance at any sort of life after Austin is born. This is the job I would like to give up, but I don't make enough money teaching Pilates to put the kids in daycare, so the choice is do that and make enough money but never ever see my husband, or do this and just do a little of that on the side. There is a new, very upscale development next to Franklin Green that I may see if has a gym or fitness center- I could start out with weekly mat classes and maybe progress up to buying some equipment...I don't know how it would work exactly but it seems like a great idea. Plus they are building an elementary school, I could start a Pilates in the Schools program in Williamson County maybe...there are a lot of possiblilies, the only problem is the cash (or lack there of).

We went through the garage yesterday, I told Chris I'm a bit worried we didn't find more to get rid of. I don't know if it's because we are being pack rats, or if it's because we already got rid of so much. He assures me we've already gotten rid of it and that's why it's not there.

I need to do a headshot tonight so I can submit my article for Pilates Digest. I also need to get an idea list together and start writing more often. I spend a lot of time watching TV when I could be doing other things to further my goals. Plus, I like to sleep. I know I need to stock up because after Austin is born I won't get any for a while, but still. How in the heck am I going to go back to work full time when he's just 4 weeks old? I know it's at home for 2 weeks, but still, I will need to sleep. I don't know, I guess I need to just quit worrying about it and just see how it plays out.

May 12

I'm doing it. It took me 10 minutes at my desk doing piddly other things (checking email, finding just the right music, etc.) but I am doing it. I'm doing a morning page for the first time in like 9 months. I want to look into the Julia Cameron book that they talked about on Hip Tranquil Chick this morning, I'll see if the library has it.

We sold the bookcase yesterday to two really nice cops. Oddly, they weren't cops that had ever been to the fire department by our house though, they were undercover and in the gang unit. Although it's odd to me that they would tell me they work under cover. The guy's name was Mike and in a lot of ways (speach, mannerisms) he reminded me a lot of Mike. It really kind of creeped me out.

I was only going to write for 10 min but I just ended up on the phone with Chris for 5 so I guess I have another 5 to go. He really frustrates me sometimes, he won't articulate his thoughts in any understandable manner and just sounds upset all the time. This move has been really stressful for both of us, but I think he's bearing the brunt of it because he ends up being the one to go home most often, he has a more flexible job. Plus, I was gone all last week, I have to be at work during certian hours, etc.

I'm really not feeling well today at all. I have a cough, I'm really tired, I just want to sleep. Maybe I should just go home and rest and then work from there for a while, I don't know. I just really feel yucky. I thought I could ignore it, but it's not working.

Speaking of working, I better get to it.

Good Mother's Day

After being gone for a whole week, coming home on Mother's Day was truely a treat. I woke up way earlier than I wanted to and let Chris sleep in so I could spend some time with Lily. They had driven to Franklin and bought me a gift card for a coffee shop that a friend said had the best coffee in Franklin so that I could go there and write after we moved. How amazingly sweet that Chris even thought of that considering all we have going on right now. I haven't even thought abut my writing more than on a cursury note on the plane the other night since sometime in April...around when the last blog post was. I really feel like I'm in a place where I need to take some time and do some planning, I'm just not sure when I'm going to be able to or what kind of shape that will take.

I'm thinking about starting to do a form of morning pages again, possibly through this blog. That is risky because I'm putting it out there then, and I might sensor myself which defeats the purpose of the morning pages. But, then again, I don't know that anyone actually reads this besides me, it may just be my portable journal.

How did this all become my responsibility? I have to carry the child, then apparantly it is completely up to me to determine how to care for the child and, if I work, to figure out who will watch it while I work. Plus I must be sure to feed and clothe my family. Sure, he will do the dishes and the laundry and he mows the lawn because my wrist won't let me push the mower that long, but the little things...filling out a sheet of paper to have our furniture cleaned...that takes months. And telling his assistant the AC at the company apartment is broken- that takes 5 days- 2 after I point out that the AC has been running for a day and the place hasn't gotten any cooler, and 2 nights where we sweat more than we sleep. I hired the painter after waiting for 2 weeks for him to call and get quotes that never came in. I met the fence people. When the baby is sick I'm the one who has to figure out how to get my job done while I'm at home with a 1 year old.

And today is his birthday, so I'm not allowed to be mad at him. I have to go to lunch with him. I don't want to. I'm tired. I'm tired of doing everything. I'm tired of not being able to have a conversation with him because he just pretends to listen, doesn't really give any feedback.

Notes from Listening to Oprah's Podcast

When offered a new opportunity, ask yourself:
WHY am I going to be doing this
WHO am I going to be working with
WHAT am I going to be doing

Join b/c why, stay b/c who, quit b/c of what.

My birthing years 1

"Birthing years"- I first heard this phrase, in referance to myself, from an orthepedist telling me that my knee wasn't going to get any better- that the cartiledge started to wear down after women hit a "certain age." I was either 24 years old.

Have you heard of the quarter-life-crisis? I was in the midst of one. I had just begun a new job, seemingly my dream job as the Executive Assistant to the President of a record label that I had been hoping to work at for the past 6 years. I had been married for a year and a half and we were just finally starting to find a balance between my husbands all consuming career and my all consuming need for attention. I was training to walk a marathon, thus the knee problems and the visit to the orthepedist.

My Executive Assistant position was the 4 job I had had in the past 3 years. I had gone from basically being the accounting department for a small company that the owner was essentially stealing money from to the office manager of a start up company, where I quit 4 weeks in because the owner began taking money from the company for personal expenses. I then spent a few months unemployed and bored out of my mind trying to figure out a way to have a career in writing. Exploring going back to school, trying to find a way to free lance- this was before I knew about blogs and the power the can have. After realizing I was going crazy without some structure in my life, I finally got a job adminstered scholarships. I didn't love the job, but other than a few co-workers who I really didn't like, it was fine. I made good money, I lost 50 lbs because I started exercising and joined weight watchers. I was pretty happy, and when I found out about the label job I actually declined to apply for it until the 3rd time my pastor pulled me aside and said "Amanda, you REALLY should apply for this job."

Writing

I think I finally have the ideas that I need to begin my books. Yes, books. Can I realistically do 2 at a time? I've been thinking and waiting and stewing over how to use Grandma's calendars for more than a year and a half now, and I think i have it. I also want to write a based-on-reality book about my life right now, but make it more exciting. The one about me I'm going to use this blog to formulate so that I can write where ever I am. I may need to set up a blog for the one about Grandma so I can do the same thing. That's a great idea actually.

Thankfulness and Appreciation

I'm struggling today with wanting to use positive reenforcement and letting people know that I really appreciate what they do, and wondering if I should stop thanking people for doing things that are actually their jobs, and they get paid for them. The problem with thanking people too often, I think, is that they start to think that what they are doing is a favor to you instead of an integral part of keeping the business running. Therefore, they stop doing those items that they don't really like to do unless they are specifically asked, and things don't get done in a timely manner. And besides, who wants to constantly remind someone to do their job?

Lucky to be a mom

Lily absolutely amazes me every day. My lesson from her today is: just because you are sick doesn't mean you have to act that way. Sleep when you need to sleep, eat when and what you want to eat, and play. Take your tylenol and ibuprophen and you'll feel better eventually. And snuggle.

Banana oatmeal chocolate chip cookies

1 cup oat flower
3/4 cup old fashioned rolled oats
1/2tsp baking powder
1/3 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2cup raw sugar or honey
1/3 cup canola oil
1/3 cup plain soy milk
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 ripe banana, chopped
1/4 cup chopped walnuts
1/3 cup semi sweet vegan chic chips

Heat oven to 350. Mix 1st 6 ingredients. Wisk together oil, milk,and
vanilla in a seperate bowl, stir into dry mixture. Fold in banana,
nuts and chic chips. Cook for 25 min.

Sent from my iPhone

Frustrated...

I'm so frustrated today- everything I do seems to be met with a road block, whether it be a person or something mental for myself. I sat down yesterday to write my goals for the year and realized I don't have any. I'm thrilled to be pregnant again, but I've somehow let this baby completely take over my life. I feel like I'm in that limbo place again where I hate to be. How far along am I? If I am only 8 weeks, am I having 2? Why do I feel so big? Why am I so gaggy? I'm so tired, I just want to nap. Why can't I just nap?

Why do I keep gaining weight, even as I eat less and less and exercise more and more. Why don't my pants fit, I'm not supposed to be showing yet.

Why does my company continue to employ people who are not doing their jobs? Why do I have to go back and forth, back and forth before anything gets done?