May 20

I realized something last night. Or yesterday during the day I guess technically. Actually, I just realized something right now too. I'll start with now, because my mind doesn't want to confront what I realized last night. I just realized that I can't do this without having music on. I really think it would be great if I could get to the point where I could, I think that the music is a way for me to be distracted and that's not what I want when I'm doing my morning pages. If the music isn't just right, then I want to change it and I start switching back and forth between iPods and wasting all sorts of time.

What I realized last night is that I really want to write. Everything else I do is perifrial- I want to write but I can't spell- anyway- I love Pilates but I'd like to write about it. My favorite days at work on when I get to draft things. That was my favorite thing to do at Million Man, Alabaster, all of my internships, etc. I love to write. I always have, ever since I was a little kid. But I'm scared. What if I'm really bad at it? I know I'm really bad at the follow-through part of it, but I think that's really all just born out of a fear of failure. What is keeping me from writing a book? Eating and watching TV basically.

At the new house I'll have an office. I can be in there working while Chris is in the family room watching TV. I can be close to my family but doing my own thing. I bought a computer so I could do this for heaven's sakes. I have great ideas, I'm good at getting my ideas down on paper, just not good at developing them. When did I get so shot down????? I don't remember ever having my writing critisized in a bad way. Even Mr. Brown, who was always negative, gave me good feedback. I've been published multiple times. Why am I not doing this?

I have had the article for Pilates Digest done for over 6 months and haven't sent it. Why? I don't know. Why don't I want to be published? Why am I sabatoging myself so much?

My time is almost up, I was really hoping that this would just cause some answers to flow out of my fingers but it's not happening. Maybe I should go back and re-do the creativity circle again. I have all of the information and assignments, it would be a good kick in the pants to get going. I could also work through some of the other books I bought. I need to just get going. I will become involved with the writers meet up before Austin is born. In June, after the move, I will make the time for myself to go, even though I will probobly only be able to go once before he comes. At least it's a start.