I miss you

Dear Blog,

I miss you. I don't know where the last two weeks went, but they are gone. I need to sit down and reflect on all of my February and March goals, but I don't know when I will have the tiem this week. But- I am taking a writing course tomorrow and Thursday night that I'm very much looking forward to.

I hope to be back soon.

Love,
Amanda

What do you mean it's almost 8pm?

My kids went to bed really early tonight- by 6:50 they were both snoring.  I was so excited to have the opportunity to get some writing done tonight!  So I posted a quick story on my Examiner site, my Monday Muscle entry and my Pilates for Mommies entry.  None felt like they took very long, and I was really excited to have some good quality awake time to do some real writing.  While my blog updates upload I check the clock- and it's been an hour!  An hour!  I thought 10 minutes tops.  Not an hour!  AHHHH!  I mean, I know everything I have done tonight has been writing, but it hasn't been writing.  And now the kids are crying.  Grrrrr!  My books will get written somehow!

**Clock from here

Loving Me

I struggle with my self-image. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I just don't like what I see.  I wish I was thinner.  I wish I didn't have the dark circles under my eyes that broadcast to the world that I haven't gotten enough sleep in about three years.  I wish a lot of things.

My daughter loves herself.  She hasn't gotten to that "I wish" thinking yet.  This picture is of her looking into a mirror and literally squealing with delight at what she sees.  She LOVES herself.  She gets dressed in the morning then runs to either me or daddy (whoever didn't help her) and declares "I'm cute!" We brush her hair, she turns around, kisses us and says "I'm pretty!"  

I'm going to start doing that- once I get dressed I'm going to look in the mirror and declare myself cute.  Once my hair has been brushed, I'm going to go find my husband and declare myself pretty.  Because I am gorgeous. Lily tells me a lot how pretty I am. I just need to remind myself sometimes.

I want a hot glue gun

Because I want to make this.  Brooke lives pretty close to me (a few hours) I'm starting to think I need to go meet her. (Picture of Brooke's finished box from her website.)

All better

So, obviously last night I wasn't feeling tip top, I was actually feeling overwhelmed by all that I want to do and the fact that my body requires that I get a certain amount of sleep each night because otherwise I am crabby, or worse, overly emotional.  (I haven't consistantly gotten enough sleep since before my kids were born, but my husband is amazing and he bears the brunt of the midnight (and 1, 2, 3 and 4am) trips to their rooms.) Besides sleep, I also want to spend time cuddling my kids, reading to them and playing with them.  And my husband.  And I have a full time job, and a part time job.  I've got a lot going on.  But,  I am only 28, I have much life left to lead.  I have time. I don't have to do it all now. (I should write that on a neon post it and put it on my computer!)

My Blog List- Part 1

I thought it would be fun to publish a list of the blogs I read, maybe you'll find soemthing you like! (These are in the order they appear in my Google Reader, it would be just too hard to rank them.)  I follow 25 blogs, so I'm going to split this up and just do 5 every Tuesday for the next 5 weeks so you don't get overwhelemed.

Sending Postcards: Alex and Mina are on a trip around the world and are graciously allowing us all to live vicariously through them. 

About.com Pilates: Marguerite Ogle writes all about Pilates- including interviews with master instructors, exercise demos and current trends.

Creatuitive Coaching: Entrepreneure Ana gives tips and inspiration for getting the most out of your job, whether you work at a typical 9-5 or have started your own company.

Editor Unleashed: Good, practical writing tips and advice

Hip Tranquil Chick: I owe Kimberly Wilson a lot- this was the first blog I ever read, the first podcast I ever subscribed to.  She introduced me to folks like Julia Cameron and Anne Lamont, and inspires me to do everything I want (because I feel like when she gets an idea, she goes for it, head on, full out.) 

Happy Reading,

Planning

Are you ever afraid that you have missed "it" but you don't know what "it" is?  That's the way I feel sometimes- I think a lot of the times "it" is my twenties, even though I have two years of twenties left.  Now, before I go on, I need to caveat this all with this statement: I love my life.  I love my kids, my husband and my house.  These are not things I'm wishing I didn't have or feel like are tying me down.

But...

I am so determined and so driven, almost like I'm afraid to let the wheels stop turning because of what the consequences might be, that I miss out on what is happening right here and now.  I miss out on cuddling with my kids because while I'm trying to rock them to sleep I read blogs on my phone, I miss out on relaxing with my husband because I am doing something else.  I see other people in their mid twenties flying off to go on vacations and cruises and wonder, #1, where do they get the money, and #2, why can't I do that?  Why am I so responsible?

But then I look around at my beautiful daughter and my adorable son, my handsome husband and cute dog and I see what they don't have.  I remember coming home at 3 and 4 am during college alone and lonely, and I'm glad that is no longer an issue.

So, all I guess I'm trying to say is that sometimes I feel like I missed out on something, but more often i feel bad for those who don't have what I do.

Amazing Blog

Okay- so I follow more blogs than I can keep up with, but I just added another one- Color Me Katie.  I found her based on an interview that Brooke at Playing Grown Up did. (BTW, Brooke's blog makes me feel so much better at wanting to stay young, even though I'm a 28 year old mom!) Katie does AMAZING, INSPIRING, ADORABLE art projects, and then shows the readers how to replicate them.  The picture is from her Chalk Walk.  You have got to check her out!

Oh- and my wireless mouse...

I forgot to mention that I hooked a wireless mouse up to Chris's computer (which the TV is plugged in to) so I don't even have to get up to change shows!  I'm excited, especially since I plan on sleeping up here until Chris gets home from the show tonight because going up and down the stairs does NOT feel good on my foot.

Good Night

So, I think I might have a stress fracture in my foot.  It hurts, bad.  But, we were out of milk and bread and eggs and all of the other stuff that is very necessary when you have a two year old who eats like a teenage boy, so I went grocery shopping.  On the way home, I stopped for gas and ran into the liqueur store for wine.  While there, I also picked up three of the tiny little liqueur bottles- Bailey's, Kahlula and Godiva Mocha.  Now, I'm sitting on the chaise, with ice on my foot, watching Ugly Betty on Hulu, and drinking an AMAZING drink (mix all three bottles together, shake).  And, from the sounds of it, both of the kids went to sleep already!  Woo hoo!

Great Quote:

Look to God as the source of all you want to see happen in your marriage, and dont worry about how it will happen. It's your responsibility to pray. It's God's job to answer. Leave it in His hands.

My Bookshelf

In December I bought myself a Kindle.  After I got over the shock and disappointment that the Harry Potter series isn't available, I quickly filled it with the free classics and have bought several books.  But I still have this bookshelf of books that I'm looking forward to reading.  It's taking me a little longer to get around to them than I would like, but I am very excited to dive into them.  All have been recommended by others to me, and I will be sure to pass along my thoughts.  Right now, I'm still reading On Writing
by Stephen King- it's part memoir, part "how-to-write" book.  I'm also reading Tranquilista: Mastering the Art of Enlightened Work and Mindful Play,
 Men Are Like Waffles--Women Are Like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your Differences
(more about this in another post), The Power of a Praying® Wife Deluxe Edition,
 and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Book 5). It's a bit much, I know.  I normally don't like to read more than one book at a time, but this time, well, I got a bit carried away.  Trying to cross them off my list one by one now.  The Kindle's Text-to-Speech feature is quite nice for car-time reading, even if it sounds like a See-n-Say is reading to me.

Update on January Goals

Here's how I ended up:


Complete one entire writing project.  Finished it today.  Not ready to share though.


Participate in a writing workshop either online or in person.
     Revised: Instead of doing the workshop, I found several that I will be participating in this year.  


Enter at least one writing contest.


Have an artist date per month. Actually got away to write more than once!  Thanks Chris!


Write every day. May not have been a lot, but it was done!


Write 10 query letters. Wrote 10 agent queries today that I will be sending out early this week (to avoid weekend inbox build-up.


Print 12 photographs and display in house. I printed them, but have yet to display them.


Complete The Pilates Lifestyle book proposal. WooHoo!!!! Starting to query agents this week!


Will work on February goals sometime this week, have a big deadline at work tomorrow so I doubt I will get them up right away.  Going to go a little easier on myself, this was a bit much.

It's Snowing!

It's snowing!!!!!

Sorry about my absence this week, but I have been diligently working on my goals and am happy to report that I can cross another off my list- I have finished my book proposal! My mom, aunt and husband now all have copies to comment on and mark up. My 10 query letters will be written this weekend and sent to possible agents. I'm so excited!

There are quite a few of the goals that I may not meet this month, considering there are only 2 days left, but we'll see. I may need to be a bit less ambitious in the next few months as work picks up.

Off to enjoy the snow!

Appliachian Trail

I'm watching a PBS special on the Appilachian Trail. I have no desire to hike it all the way through. I kind of wish I wanted to, but I really don't. Do you?

Amanda Moon

I'm Not Happy

I debated just posting this on my personal, private, diary like blog, and I may change my mind before I hit the "Publish Post" button, but right now I feel like having support from others wouldn't be such a bad thing.

I'm not going to go into it all, but let's just say that the past six months have not been easy for me or my family. And I don't get enough sleep, or anything that resembles enough sleep. Those things put together are overwhelming me to the point where I took yesterday off of work because I couldn't take it anymore.

I don't feel like I'm spending too much time obsessing over things in the past that I can't change, but I also don't feel like the terrible-ness is not over yet. And I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. All the time. It's a crappy way to live.

If you could keep me and my family in your prayers, we would appreciate it. Feel free to share any resources you have that you think might help!

I could fall off my chair

I'm so tired today I could fall off my chair. Literally, just fall over and fall asleep.

Austin has not slept at all the last two nights. He's been stuffy, irratable, won't eat...yep, he's TEETHING! Two new teeth in the last three days, one on top, one on the bottom. Hopefully now that they are fully through the skin he will start to sleep.

The eating has been weird, because he doesn't typically like to eat from a spoon, but lately if it's not on a spoon (if it's in a bottle) he is just not interested. From 3pm yesterday to 9 am this morning he drank a total of 8 oz. And that's because we made him. But when i tried to feed him cereal this morning he wolfed it down like his usual incredible eater-self.

Daily Intention & Thanks

Ala Kimberly Wilson my intention for the day is Tranquility. Based on my work calendar and the few emails I've opened in the 40 minutes I've been here, I know this is going to be a challenge. But, instead of getting all poopy and mad and crabby by 11am (my status quo these days) I intend to let it wash off of me. If I can't control it, I can't do anything about it, and I shouldn't let it get me down. That's where I'm at this morning.

Today, I am thankful for the black dress that I found on the clearance rack and Target, admired, and left there only to be haunted by it for the next 4 days. I went back and, crisis averted, it was still there in my size. I'm wearing it today and must say, I look amazing. And I feel amazing. The only sad thing is that I got dressed at the gym this morning so Chris hasn't had the opportunity to see how awesome I look.

Here's the dress (I've got black boots on with it):

Today I'm thankful for

• Kids who don't mind throwing up.
• A job that lets me work from home so I don't have to use up my vacation time because kids are sick
• My computer
• My roller
• My husband
• Exercise

We spent most of the night up with puking kids, so I didn't set an intention for the day other than a mental one to just get through it. Turned out not so bad. Both kids seemed to be fine as the day went on, minor fevers but no more vomit, thankfully. They both took incredibly long afternoon naps which meant that Chris and I got to nap too. I taught a great class and did what I'll call "Toddler Pilates" with Lily climbing all over me after I got home. All in all, not a bad day.

Floating Leaves

This is one of the pictures I printed as part of my goal to print and display 12 of my favorite pictures. I love how it seems like the leaves are just floating in air. They weren't falling- can you guess what was holding them up? I'll give you a clue- it made me scream.

Today, I am thankful for breakfast

I am going to try (again) to start a practice of setting an intention for each day and giving thanks for a few things.

Today, my intention is peace. I need some calm in my head and I am the only one that can acccomplish that.

I am thankful for:

• Cuddling with Lily this morning when I got home from the gym and it was too early for her to get up
• The quiet in the house as I flat ironed my hair
• The joy of jelly toast for a 2 year old
• My husband, who graciously gets up in the middle of the night with our kids so that I can have the energy to get up really early and exercise.

Cross one off the list!

I have accomplished one of my January goals- printing 12 pictures to display, gallery style, in the house. I have yet to buy the matting or display medium, but the pictures are printed and on my desk which is very exciting. Also, I have written in some way, shape or form every day so far. I have spent quite a bit of time working on Pilates Lifestyle Proposal and am excited that it looks like I really will have it done this month (I thought that goal was a bit ambitious, but good to work towards.)

All of the pictures that I printed seemed to have a "journey" theme which was interesting, because until I had narrowed it down to about 20 I didn't consciously acknowledge it. Once I noticed it I felt that it was rather appropriate for the start of the "journey" of 2010, so I went with it. I'll post some of the photos later when I'm at my other computer. Now, though, back to work!

Have a fantastic day!

This is how I started my day

This is my yoga mat. I started my day on it today, with some great music playing in the background. Now, remember, I'm a Pilates Instructor, not a yoga instructor, so I kind of make yoga up as I go along. In fact, my yoga practice is very similar to my Pilates practice before I got certified- I read a lot of books, try to learn as much as I can, and then put it into practice.

I will check my body bug in a bit to see exactly how much work I did, but I know that this (at least right now) can't replace my normal morning cardio. I'll have to get to the gym at another point today or get outside and go for a walk on my lunch break. But it could definitely become my strength regimen. I'm shaking.

---Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, I did do some Pilates too- but I wouldn't call what I did Yogalates or Piloga- I did yoga, then I did Pilates. I didn't try to mix the two. Too much thinking before the coffee.

Mmmm...coffee...that's where I'm headed. Have a great day!

Goals for January

In order to accomplish my yearly goals, I have to break them down into steps. Here is what I will accomplish this month:

January

In January I will:

Complete one entire writing project.

Participate in a writing workshop either online or in person.

Enter at least one writing contest.

Have an artist date per month.

Write every day.

Write 10 query letters.

Print 12 photographs and display in house.

Complete The Pilates Lifestyle book proposal.

Goals for 2010

Here are the goals I set last week, all compiled and SMART.

I complete one entire writing project each month.

I participate in a writing workshop either online or in person.

I enter at least one writing contest every month

I have one artist date per month.

I write every day.

I write 10 query letters per month

By 1/15/2010 I Print 12 photographs and display in house

By 1/31/2010 The Pilates Lifestyle book proposal is complete

By 2/1/2010 The Pilates Lifestyle blog begins with one post per weekday

By 2/28/2010 I have completed a “Best of” series of photographs

By 3/1/2010 My Etsy store is up and running with 10 pieces

By 4/1/2010 The Pilates Lifestyle book is complete.

By 5/15/2010 The Staircase Story is finished and published

By 6/1/2010 I have 1 paying writing gig per month

By 6/1/2010 The Book of Ruth is complete.

By 7/1/2010 I have samples of my clothing line made that I can work out in.

By 10/1/2010 I have a exhibited my photos.

By 12/31/2010 I have exhibited at a craft show/arts fair/farmer's market

By 12/31/2010 I have had three meetings with potential investors/sales for clothing line.

By 3/1/2011 My clothing line is for sale.

Needs Vs. Wants

I'm (once again) learning the difference between needs and wants. Like I want to go take Pilates classes every night, and drink a latte from Maxximo Joe's every morning, and quit my job so I can lay around and read and write and take naps all day, but that's just not realistic on our budget right now. So, while I want to go get my manicure refreshed by the amazing technician that I saw last week, I will spend this evening with my cotton balls, nail polish remover and nail polish, doing it myself. And that's okay, because my husband is gracious and lets me get my shopping bug filled with our needs- mainly diapers and formula these days, but shopping is shopping. And, I know that in a few years, I will be able to get my wants more often because we will have saved the money we need to make our family feel secure.

But...I will admit that I still want to go to the mall and buy a pair of knee high brown boots. I never claimed to be perfect.

Book Review: The Sweet By and By by Sara Evans and Rachel Hauck

5 Stars -- Refreshing Read!

The Sweet By and By
is the story of a woman being forced to deal with her past before moving on to her future. Jade Freedom Fitzgerald is finally getting ready for the life she dreamed of- a marriage to a man who made her feel safe and loved, feelings she didn’t experience from her high achieving judge father or galavanting hippie mother. She and fiance Max made an agreement “The past is the past.” Unfortunately, the past doesn’t always remain in the past.

The Sweet By and By
is incredibly well written with engaging characters that you find yourself rooting for and identifying with, with a story that weaves past and present together seamlessly. It’s one of those books that makes you feel good when you read it. There are no huge surprises in the story, at the same time it isn’t utterly predicable. The spiritual theme is naturally incorporated into the story line without feeling forced or contrived.

Between Sleep and Awake

I dream. A lot. Very detailed. And often, I remember most of the details. Sometimes my dreams are good, sometimes I have nightmares. Two nights ago I dreamed that fake police officers who were doing a drug deal in Kroger were trying to kill my daughter and I so we couldn't implicate them. They were stopped by campus security at Austin Peay State University in Clarksville, where they had tailed us to from Nashville.

This morning, in the 9 minutes between my snoozes, I had a dream about the people in my dreams. I dreamed I was on a subway, or some sort of silver train, and there were all of these people that I knew or that I had interacted with recently and they were all just sitting, staring at me, waiting for me to "cast" them in my dream. There were real people, and people who were a blend of people. Some faces I could see, some I just sensed who they were.

My husband doesn't remember his dreams. Do you remember yours?

Breakfast with my book

On Sundays, I like to cook breakfast for my family. Usually it's pancakes, but this morning I was feeling the waffles. So, with just over an hour before we needed to leave for church, I whipped some up. The problem with whipping up breakfast with so little time is that everyone needs to eat as the waffles come off the griddle, leaving the cook to eat alone. Never fear though, I had a great book to read! (And yes, that is peanut butter on my waffles. I like peanut butter on waffles, pancakes and french toast. You can thank my dad for introducing me.)

Look what was in my yard!

When we got home from Kentucky yesterday, there was a deer in our front yard. Unfortunately, I didn't get a picture of it because the camera on my iPhone took too long to open, but here is a picture of the deer that was in our back yard earlier in the fall. The one that was in our front yard yesterday was a fawn- looked like he had just lost his spots and was very frightened. I felt sorry for him, but he seemed to make it back to the woods just fine.

Another Goal

Enter at least one writing contest every month of 2010.

Recapping 2009 and looking toward 2010

2009 was a reactive year for me. The word I chose for the year was searching, but I think either is actually apprpriate. I spent the year searching for what I wanted and reacting to what was in front of me. I want to focus on not being reactive, but proactive in 2010. I want to live my life instead of it living me.

A lot of the chaos in 2009 was because of my unhealthy pregnancy and the problems I had at work. I spent a lot of time working on how to releive my stress enough that I would no longer have blood pressure problems and was not successful. I spent a lot of time resting, which is fine- I need to draw from that resting time now.

I have some goals I've been carrying over from year to year and I no longer want to do that. In 2010 I will:

1) Make some progress on the clothing line. I will have samples made that I can work out in. I will have three meetings with potential investors/sales. The clothes will be for sale in 2011.

2) I will exhibit my photos. Even if that exhibit is just hanging them all around our house and having friends over. I will exhibit them.

3) I will complete The Book of Ruth by June 1, 2010.

4) I will complete The Pilates Lifestyle by April 1, 2010.

5) I will write every day.

I will now combine my goals (I have them in 3 places) and make a pretty piece showing all of them so that I can set monthly goals to work towards.

Podcasting

Kicking around the idea of trying a Podcast, but worried that I post so sporadically here and my other blog that adding something else isn't a good idea. But Austin is starting to go to bed earlier at night, maybe I can set a schedule to make my creative things start to happen???

Thoughts for 2010

I will add to this list in the next week, but some goals I have for 2010:

1) Sell photos and jewelry at at least one craft show/arts fair/farmer's market

2) Set up etsy store for photos and jewelry

3) Create more photo galleries in my house like the one in my room

4) One artist date per month

5) Do morning pages every day
*******Yes, I know this is a lofty goal- doing anything every day short of brushing my teeth is a lofty goal, but it is who I want to be--an artist, an author. This I will do for myself.***********

6) Sell one article a month FOR MONEY beginning in June. Which means I have to start the submissions process now.

7) Take (as in, read) the free online writing courses I've found

8) Do one COMPLETE writing project a month. What I mean by COMPLETE: begin and end a piece of writing ala NANO. The editing can come later.

Merry Christmas

I hope your day has been filled with love and laughter!

Amanda Moon

I don't cry anymore

I don't cry anymore
I want to, my heart aches with the same intesity
But my eyes stay dry
My jaw set so hard that it hurts

I don't cry anymore
I want to scream, kick, stamp and throw
But I sit quiety and pretend to be happy
Looking at others- do you think they know?

I don't cry anymore
Betrayl feels old hat
Instead I curl up on my bed
When I sleep I can shut it all out

I don't cry anymore
And I don't feel anymore hope
I'm not surprised enough to be hurt
It is what it is, this is where I'm at

Quest for a bag

I am on a quest. I am searching for the Holy Grail of handbags- one that is cute and still big enough to carry my computer, a notebook, a book or two (until Santa brings me a Kindle) my phone, wallet and all the various cords I have. And keep it all organized. I have a Timbuk2 tote now that carries it all but doesn't organize. I'm looking at the letter bag at moop.com. Any other suggestions?

Amanda Moon

Perfect Evening

A fire, a comfy chair, a glass of hot chocolate. Good music, my daughter snoring and silence from my son's room. I got to write. In my own house. With my family home. Uninterrupted for almost 2 hours. It was a perfect night.

I did close my eyes to try to get a clearer view to describe one of my charecters and fell asleep though. Off to bed now.

Amanda

Do you ever feel like life is happening to you rather than something you're living? I think the endless hours lost to TV contribute to that feeling, but I also know that completly giving up TV is pretty unrealistic for me. Regardless, I vow right now to start living. More attention and intention, less reaction.

I've been away for a while now

Sorry. I'm sure you've grown tired of checking to see if I have posted anything new and have just stopped looking. My life has not been the shiniest, happiest place for the last few months and I've been in hiding. My first thought was to try to post something every day that made me happy, but that seemed trite and I got too busy. Then, when I really wanted to pour my heart out and say what was going on, I got scared that some of you readers may know me and see me in real life and *gasp* try to actually help me. So I kept my mouth shut (or fingers still, if you will) and just stopped blogging.

But I'm back. I want to be able to share the beauty and encouragement I receive, and I want to share this journey of healing. Because we have to heal, everything has to get better eventually, it can't stay like this forever.

Series Ideas

I'm trying to keep my blogs updated, but somedays I have a hard time thinking of content. Here are a few of my current, day of the week themed ideas:

Friday Fitness- tip or idea
Sunday Son-day (this play on words is almost too lame, but it would be a theme verse for the upcoming week)

My daily goals

Or to-dos...or whatever. This is the stuff that if I get it done I will feel like I've accomplished something today:

1) Make a working list of the Pilates Principles
2) Go for a walk (guess I should have worn different shoes...I can go with the kids when I get home).
3) Look at 2 more master's programs.
4) Fix my prodcut links on the Pilates and Pregnancy Product Reviews. (If you read them and have other suggestions, let me know!)
5) Set up google analytics

Thank Yous

I'm over thanking people for doing their jobs. Now, I know this is going to come off as snarky and synical, but hear me out:

I guess I should clarify- I am all about please and thank you. I say them both way too much to the point that my boss has taken to coaching me not to say please so much because it makes people think they have an option when really they don't. I kind of disagree with that premise, I think adding a please can go a long way in softening an "order" but whatever, it's not worth arguing over. What I'm over is giving special recognition to people for doing the basic tenants of the job you have hired and paid them for. I think that recognition should be reserved for special circumstanses- when they have gone above and beyond the call of duty. Some feel that giving special recogognition for the small things will acutally motivate people to do more, but in my experience it has the opposite effect. It seems that many people, when they receive special recognition, think they have already done something special and that they should continue to work at that level. They seem to forget that what they did is their job, so they wait for special instructions to do the same thing again.

This is all very abstract, so let me give you an example: if you are a content writer for a website, it is your job to write the content. It is the website's job to make sure their relationsship with major search engines is such that people can search for and find your writing. You don't get a pat on the back each day that you post an article, the website techs shouldn't get a pat on the back when they correct a problem that was causing your articles to be in impossible to search. But because they got one, the next time there is a problem, rather than buckling down and quickly fixing it, they remember that the last time there was a problem they got special recognitio for finding a solution, so therefore working on it must be outside the scope of their day-to-day work and it is placed on the back burner.

Another example is if part of your job is to scan documents into a database. Your supervisor has discussed this with you, but you don't like this particular aspect of your job, so you put it off and put it off, until the person who needs to retrieve the documents from the database asks your supervisor about it. So, you spend some time that day scanning the documents that have been waiting for weeks to be scanned. You shouldn't receive special recognition for the getting them all done in one day or hour or whatever it was, you should be reprimanded for not doing your job in a timely manner and having to be asked mutliple times like a child.

Nobody ever thanks me for cleaning out my inbox every day, or administering my programs to the best of my ability, and I don't expect them to. It's my job. I get recognized for doing that job on the 15th and 30th of each month when I get my paycheck.

I'm just saying...our efforts to be polite and encouraging are biting us in the ass.

The Noticer Review

The Noticer is okay. It's not bad, it's not amazingly good. At times it feels like a series of short stories around the the theme of "Jones" rather than a cohesive book about a certain period in Andy's life. The end of the first chapter launches into a resume of Andy's accomplishments in such a way that the book feels like it's becoming a self-help guide. Later, a large portion of that first chapter is repeated, and not even in theme, but word for word, which gets to be a bit much.

The book seems like it was made to be used as a discussion guide for a Bible study which makes the story feel forced, like there were certain themes that the author knew he wanted to include. If you're using it as a discussion guide, you will be pleased. If you're trying to just read it on your own, you may not feel compelled to finish it.

Thankful list

Today, I'm thankful for:

A job that pays well
A husband that, when he tries, is the kindess, most thoughtful person I've ever met
My kids
The opportunities I've found and been given to write

Amanda Moon

Strong Life Review: Ah ha!

The concepts laid out in this book fly in the face of conventional wisdom, but as Buckingham develops them with numerous examples from both research and real life, you have that “Ah ha!” moment. As a mother of 2, with a full time job to pay the bills and a part time job that I love, I have had a constant struggle to find balance between doing what I love, spending time with my family, and being fully present at work. No matter what I do it doesn’t seem to work (and I have an incredibly supportive husband.) Then I read Buckinham’s explanation of balance and why it is an unfulfilling goal. Ah-ha! In order to balance, the scale must be perfectly still. There can be no movement from balance- once you achieve it you’re stuck.

This is just one of the numerous “Ah ha!” moments I had while reading this book. I dog-eared pages, I marked the parts I wanted my husband to read. The advice is real, actionable and practical. In fact, the final portion of the book is a sort of “FAQs of a Strong Life”- you’ve gained all of this amazing insight into yourself, your work, your family- here’s how to implement it.

Highly recommended. It’s written in a conversational style that I could have breezed right through, but it resonated in a way that made me constantly put it down and think about what I had just read and how it applied.

I'm thankful

This has been a really hard month. I've had problems with my husband, problems with my health, problems at work and problems with family. But today, I just want to be thankful. The song "It is well" keeps going through my mind. It is well with my soul. While life around me in a lot of ways seems to be falling apart, it is making me stronger. This is what I'm thankful for today:

1) My amazing children
2) My cute puppy, whose fleas we can't seem to get rid of, but who is still happy to see me every day.
3) My friends- I don't feel like I have a lot of close friends, but the ones I have are amazing- whether it's letting me cry on the phone or coming over in the middle of the night to take care of my kids while I'm at the hospital- I am so thankful.

4) My family
5) My in-laws
6) I'm not sick anymore
7) My creativity and the opportunity to express it thru this blog and my other sites.
8) My iPhone that let's me type this even tho I'm not at my computer
9) My bed- it is one of the most comfortable places in the universe
10) Podcasts- free and inspiring. What more can I say.

Have a good weekend- look for things to be thankful for and it can really change your attitude no matter the situation. It won't fix the problems or make them go away, but thankfulness can remind you how strong you are and how you can get thru it.

Adios!

Creative Blog Inspirations

I'm so inspired by the Rockstar Diaries, Hip Tranquil Chick, Naturally Nina, and Pennyweight Online blogs. I want this blog to inspire others like theirs inspire me. But I'm not super Internet savvy, and I'm not indie rock chick. I want to be indie rock chick, but the fashion doesn't suit me. I'm better in some nice work trousers and cute, work appropriate tops and jackets. Not ever ever ever an actual suit, but the pieces. Skinny jeans don't work on me because I'm not, and I've never had much luck at vintage shops- apparently the women of old didn't have my body. Actually, I think it's more the proprietors of the vintage shops that don't have my body, because my grandma had some rockin' clothes back in the day that I had no problem pilfering. But anyway- I want to be inspiring. I want to post my photography and have other people grab it and go. I want to have my blog linked to by other people- not because I'm so super cool, but because it is somehow inspiring to them. I want to be inspiring to my daughter as she gets older. She seems to have a bit of an art streak in her- I want to encourage that as much as possible, without pushing her in a bad way.

My book will be published by December 3, 2011. Wow- that's coming up quick. I need to get writing!

Goals for the Day

Today this feels more like a to-do list than a goals list, but what can you do:

1) Do more research on online masters programs

2) Either walk or ride bike for 45 minutes

3) Figure out how to keep Austin awake all afternoon- it worked all weekend, why can't he sleep during the week when we work????

Pilates 101: The Cadillac

Check out my latest examiner.com post. It's the first in a new Pilates Equipment series- I'll be posting a new item each day this week.

Goals for the Day

1) Plan Meals for Week

2) Not puke

3) Go through closet and clean it out.

Blog Addiction

I have a confession. I have an addiction to blogs. Not so much to blogging, but to the idea of blogs. I think I want to make another blog about my efforts to deal with my stress and to become more content. I am going to sleep on it for the night. Thinking about trying to find a guided Bible study about contentment, but wondering now if striving for contentment is the wrong thing- I should instead be striving for thankfulness. Because if I'm truly thankful for what I have, then I will be happy. And it's not bad to be working towards being the best, but it's being dissatisfied with where I'm at that causes the problem.

Monday Goals

I'm having a hard time thinking of goals for today that go beyond a list of to-dos, and at the same time I'm thinking that I should start setting weekly and monthly goals in addition to my daily ones. I've really got a problem with biting off more than I can chew.

1) Pull out all creativity books so that I can at least see what I have

2) Indulge in sweet potato fries for lunch. (Homemade. Yum.)

3) Clean bedroom.

Book Review: The Knockout Entrepreneur by George Foreman w/ Ken Abraham

Rating: 2/5

The Knockout Entrepreneur is told through a series of analogies from George Foreman’s business and boxing experience. You can skip all of the stories, though, and read just the “Knockout Ideas to Stimulate Your Success” at the end of each chapter to get the gist of the book.

While the analogies are often entertaining, they aren’t often incredibly relevant or inspiring. There is little organization or flow to the order of the stories, and many seem like they have been included in the wrong chapter. Some of the analogies- such as his statement that your accountant is akin to a technician in the boxing ring (the man who scouts the competition for you and helps you strategically fight) are downright wrong. Yes, an accountant can help you make strategic decisions, but I’ve yet to meet one who is a scout.

George does to an excellent job encouraging integrity and honesty in all business an personal situations. However, it appears that George has built his business entirely on the success of endorsement deals and he has never been involved in the inception of development of a product or idea. This begs the question: What makes him an expert I should listen to? There are better business books on the market which follow the same ethical standards.

Book Preview: http://thomasnelson.insidethecover.com/widget/?isbn=9780785222088

Goals for the Day

Take Lily to playground down the road

Set up indoor trainer and ride bike for 30 min after Lily's in bed

Take a nap

Evening Check In

On my way to bed, but reflecting on my day and thought I'd post an update to my goals:

Clean House: Didn't happen.
Make meal plan for next week: Sort of- have decided to try Super Suppers for next week's meals, actually, in order to use my coupon I essentially have to buy enough for 1/2 a month.
Hug Chris- Did it!

Best part of my day: my nap!

Goals for the Day

So, yesterday the goals didn't go so well. In fact, I didn't accomplish any of them. However, I do have an idea for the PilatesforMommies post and plan to do it as soon as I'm done with my Morning Pages. And I had an amazing Pilates lesson. I tried to go for a walk, but Chris had the double stroller. So...goals for today:

Clean House
Make meal plan for next week
Hug Chris

Goals for September 10

1) Write a post for Pilates for Mommies
2) Create a plan for creative time a few days a week
3) Go for a walk.

Hard

I look at my new son, and some of the anger and hurt and pain goes away. I hear my daughter laugh and forget I was just about to cry. And then... I look away, another sound catches my ear, and it all comes rushing back. Not only am I dealing with the actual facts of the situation, I'm dealing with my own fears and speculations- is there more than he's admitting? And the Sex in the City scenes flashing through my head don't help at all.

We are going tonight to talk to some friends that have made it through this. I know it's necessary, but I'm petrified. The last time we tried to talk to someone about the problems we were having I felt blame. I felt stupid and belittled and blamed. (Funny how I still very much respect the people we were talking to, I just really felt like they were having a very off-day that day.) I don't want that to happen again. It can't happen again.

So much of myself wants to run away. Then there is a little bit bigger part of myself that is looking past the self preservation and remembering to grab the kids on the way out the door. Then, the bigger part of myself that knows that space isn't the answer. It's not even really what I want, but the pain is making me feel claustrophobic right now and it's the only answer I can think of. At least I'm smart enough to know that the pain claustrophobia won't go away just because I'm in a different state. It'll follow me, it has no boundaries.

So I'll stay. We have to get through this somehow. I have to get through this somehow.

Goals for the day

1) Stop feeling so tired

2) Find someone I can talk to in confidence about what is going on.

3) Be focused on my kids when I'm with my kids, be focused on work when I'm working.

Goals for the day

So, it's a bit late in the day to finally be posting these, but I've had them in the back of my head all day, and have actually been working toward them:

1) If I can't control it, let it go.

2) Tell Chris about my two newest writing ideas

3) Tell at least one more person about my examiner.com page.

The last week

It's 2:55pm. My son is 64 hours old. I am sitting by his pod in the NICU, watching his rig cage go up and down, ip and down. Sometimes it goes too fast, but at least it keeps going. The last three days have been kind of a blur. Monday we went Into the doctor and were told exactly what we were hoping to hear: "enough is enough, let's go to the hospital and get this baby out." I was thrilled. We had had an ultrasound the week before, so we knew te baby was big enough to be born. I was past the 37 week mark, so we assumed he was fully developed. I was tired of being sick, of having to limit everything I was doing, if nit being allowed to leave the house except to see the doctor, of trying to defend every action I had taken ever time my blood pressure rose
Amanda Moon

No work allowed

I don't hate my job. (It's telling that I typed that with a ? instead of . the first time.) But I really don't- I work with some great people, and we do great things. But it is a job, not a career. And it's the second time I've tried doing it. I really thought when I went back that was what I wanted, but ever since I've been wondering. Especially since getting pregnant again. The idea of taking Austin to daycare when he is 6-10 weeks old (depending on when he actually comes) literally makes me want to puke. Lily loves the daycare, but she might not hate it here if I made her days structured and fun. I would have to join play groups, etc...but it's not horrible.

But I'm not talking about not working. I'm talking about taking a second try at this independance thing. Teaching, writing. These are the two things I really want to do, and these are the two things that I really don't know how I can do with two kids and a full time job that consumes me.

Even though it's been a full 24 hours since my doctor told me that work was over now, completely over until the baby comes, I've still been thinking about it for about 23.5 of those hours.

I jumped back into work because I enjoyed it, I enjoyed being at Next Big Nashville for that week and working. But since I've been back, I really can't think of any time when I would say I've loved my job. I've hated it at times, I've tolerated it a lot, I almost quit a few times, mostly over Cheri but also over the fact that I wasn't excited about putting two kids in daycare anyway.

Then we moved into this new, beautiful house that I absolutely love and I redid the budget and didn't think quitting was an option. Then I realized that, without actually cutting back on anything except daycare, I can quit my job and we'd be okay. If nothing changes with Chris's job, which we won't know until next month.

What sucks is, I know I'm good at my job. I'm really good at it, which is part of the problem, I have done so well that I have way way way too much on my plate. And I've tried to point that out to my supervisors on multiple occasions, but to no avail- I get temporary help, but I end up getting more done than I thought I could and I am left with the same work load because I have obviously been able to handle it. Then I make a mistake, and although my bosses assure me that it's okay, my clients, who I have bent over backwards for on more than one occasion, make me feel like an absolutely horrible person. I expect perfection from myself, and other people expect it from me too, but perfection all the time (therefore, perfection in definition) is not possible. All I can do is apologize and admit my mistake and figure out what caused it and how to fix it.

But what about when that fix involves other people doing their jobs, and me having extra time to do mine correctly? And, I'm not working more than the 40 hours a week required. I'm not spending my nights and weekends doing the things that I don't have time to do during the days. Well, that's not completely true- for the last 7 months I've been checking my email on my phone during nights and weekends and keeping it caught up at all times. I've taken two vacations, both of which I worked on, to the tune of taking a total of 4 vacation days when I was out of the office for 10. I went on an actual vacation, which was agreed upon when I was hired, and ended up having my pay docked for a week and a half.

One of our job requirements is that we think of our job as a career- but I don't. I think of it as a temporary way to make ends meet and make money for my family. I also think of it as the reason why my kids have to be in daycare 10 hours a day and someone else fixes my daughter's hair more often than I do.

I know I can't make this decision now, while I'm still upset about what happened yesterday. The thing is, I know that deep down I don't really want to quit- there are parts of my job that I really enjoy. No, I'm not sure if that's completely right- I don't want to let anyone down, that's why I'm not sure if I can quit. It's also hard to know, that, more than any other place I've quit, this bridge would burn behind me. They took me back once, they won't do it again. And I wasn't happy at home, I was bored. I guess I can use the first few weeks of Austin's young life as a test to see if I can make this work, but that would be awful hard to do considering that those weeks are not an indication of what life is actually going to be like.

So, I will write and blog and journal for the next week at least. Try to figure out where I really am at with all this.

A wasted night?

Had grand plans for tonight- going to get a lot of writing done, do some work... but, nope. Cleaned up my desktop and did random web surfing. Oh well.

Bedtime

Everyime I look at her, I'm amazed. I can't believe something that beautiful is half me. The half that is from him, I can see that, because he is that beautiful to me too. But she is half me.

Mist people actually say she looks the moat likeme, and I agree that her features resemble my baby pictures most than his. But I don't thunk she loos like me now.

First of all, I don't think I'm beautiful. Even wijiutnall of this pregnancy weight, and left over post pregnancy weight (yes, it's possible to have both at the same time) I've never thought o myself as beautiful. It isn't because people never told me I was, because they did, it's just that my two best friends were (are) supermodel beautiful and I was told how pretty they were a lot. By guys I had been hoping to date.

But she's here, half me, and absolutely georgeous. One thing she definately got from me is her laugh. Her daddy doesn't laugh outnloud much, it is one of my hobbies. Hyperventalating belly laughing. She does that too.

Her litle broter is growing inside if me right now, building up strength for the day very soon when he will be born. This pregnancy has been a lot harder in sOme ways, alot easier in others. It's hard now, hard not to worry about what is happening to my body, about what the consequenses might be if he is born too soon. Part of me wants to protect him by refusing, not matter what the dr says, to have him before I eiher begin labor naturally or hit 37 weeks. But the other part of me wants to be sure I'm here and healthy enough to watch him grow up. I'm not sure which is more selfish- I couldn't live with myself if he has some horrible health problems because he's premature, but I'm not much help sick or worse.

Amanda Moon

What to write

I'm in the middle of about 3 different pieces, and I don't want to finish any of them because they are too personal. I want to write a novel. I remember always hearing that you write about what you know, but how do you get away from writing about your life? How do you use something as a starting point, but then move it quickly into it's own thing.

Changing names and places doesn't work for me. And the circumstances are the starting point. I don't think my life story is all that unique, so I know that what I'm writing about other people can relate to, but really...I don't want to write a memoir or auto biography. Or do I?

Reading about Writing

I do a lot of reading about writing. So much in fact, that I am right now inspired to put down my book and actually do some writing about writing. But maybe, instead of writing about writing, I should just write, and work on my project. So I'm going to. While I'm tied to this bed to make my child go to sleep, I'm going to write.

You've Got a Story

There's this old Christian song that has a line that says "You've got a story to tell." It's specifically talking about how your testimony doesn't have to be some super amazing I-used-to-be-a-drug-addict story, but that God worked in your life, no matter how simply. I've been thinking about that a lot as it relates to my writing.

I've got a story to tell. It's burning inside of me, itching to get out. I don't know what it is yet though. I don't know if it has roots in my life story, or if it is something completely different, with different characters than I've ever known. But I've got a story to tell and I need to get it out.

Writing Time?

This has been my reading time- the time when I just sit in Lily's room waiting for her to fall asleep. But, I think I might be able to use it for writing time too. As long as the tapping at the keyboard doesn't bother her. It's still light enough outside that the light from the screen isn't a big deal, which is nice.

I starting reading Julia Cameron's book something about Paper...I can't remember the name right now- Sound of Paper maybe? last night. I was just trying it out- I got it from the library to see if I wanted to buy it, but I got kind of into it. I'm trying to keep myself from starting anything new right now though, so I kind of made myself quit. I don't know if that was a good idea or not, but between the two jobs and the almost 2 kids, I have enough on my plate. I don't like starting things I can't commit to, it makes me feel like I'm failing when I can't complete it. I am excited to dive into it after the baby is born though- the way it's broken up will work really good for my schedule- it seems like for each section you really only need 15-20 min, which is often all that I have.

Lily used to go to sleep so well on her own, now she lays and plays with her feet and just generally won't stay in her room. I don't know how I feel about putting a lock on the outside of her door, even though I've been told that's what works.

Opportunities

So many opportunities right now to write: there are my blogs, there is "The Skinny On" writing contest which deadlines on July 2, there is the Ink Monkey which deadlines on October 1 and is for fiction only which would be a good exercise for me, there is examiner.com which I should fill out today, and there are the Pilates blogs that I could submit to. Oh- and HerNashville- I would love to get something published in there. It's exciting to think about!

Baby Weight

When people, at least the people in my close cirlces, talk about loosing their baby weight, they are talking about the physical act of giving birth and having their blood volume return to normal, because once that happens, they are back at their pre-pregnancy weight, give or take 5-9 pounds. Yes, their pants might not fit quite right, but give it a couple of months and everything is back to normal.

Me, I gained more than 50lbs with my first child, and only lost about 25 of that with the birth and everything going back to normal. Then my pediatrician's nurse made me feel like I wasn't producing enough milk because my baby wasn't growing quickly enough her first week, so I ate more often and ended up gaining another 10 lbs. Then I had ankle surgery (yes, with a 6 week old new born) which put me on crutches for 6 weeks and in boot for 4 more. The weight was definately not falling off.

I don't think I did too badly while I was pregnant. Yes, there were often times when I would eat more than was neccissary, but it wasn't out of control. I wasn't one of those people who constantly said "I'm eating for two" to justify what she was putting into her mouth. A lot of my now-at-pre-pregnancy size friends were those people, and somehow, they are just as small as they were before the baby. I, on the other hand, am not.

My weight has always been an adventure, if that's the right word. I weighed 150 lbs in 5th grade. The reason I remember this is because I severly sprained my ankle that summer (it was actually probobly broken, but we didn't learn that until I was 18) and we were living in our camper while our house was being built. My dad realized he couldn't pick me up anymore and asked me what I weighed, and determined it was no longer safe for me to be on the top bunk.

When I graduated from high school I think I was around 180. I topped 200 during my freshman year of college when I hit the two hundred teens, but I lost 20 lbs during Christmas break by reading some book and journaling my food. My weight stayed pretty steady then for a while, hovering somewhere in the 190 range until I got married.

Not sure what happened then...wait...yes I am. My now- husband and I spent most of our dates going out to eat. I worked ridiculous hours that messed with my metabloism, and I ate simply to stay awake at some point on most days. The summer after we were married I topped out at 225 I believe, and realized I had to make a change. I started journalling my food again and got down to 202 in about 3 months. I joined Weight Watchers and 6 months later I broke the 170 mark on the scale for the first time since sometime in junior high. I was getting frustrated with Weight Watchers by then tho, first of all because as I lost weight I got to eat less and less and I was at the point where I truely felt like I wasn't getting enough food. I was training to walk a marathon and desperately hungry all the time. Plus, my goal weight was 150 (I'm only 5'4") and I didn't think I'd ever actually get there seeing as that was my weight when I was 10 years old. So, I decided to save the money each week and I quit.

I stopped tracking my food, but I continued with my exercise. I gained about 5 lbs back pretty quickly, but it stopped there. Until I got pregnant.

Now, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't give up my fantastic daughter to be thinner, but the thought of having to loose it all over again is daunting.

After my ankle surgery I joined Weight Watchers again, but as a nursing mother the points system didn't work for me at all. First of all, the numbers were completely arbitrary- if I ate everything I was allowed to I would gain a lot of weight. So, since I was getting essentially no guidance, I quit again. I started exercising again on a regular basis, and decided to do a triathlon. The training was successful, I didn't loose as much weight as I was hoping with it but I did make huge gains in my fitness level. I successfully completed in the first weekend in October. A month or so later, I became pregnant with our second child.

This pregnancy has been much better on the weight gain side- so far I'm only at 25lbs and I'm 8 months along. However, I started this pregnancy almost 30 lbs heavier than I started the last one and that's causing some problems- for one thing, my joints hurt. Secondly, the high blood pressure problems I had during my first pregnancy are multiplied by the fact that my weight is so much higher this time (no one has medically confirmed that for me, but it just seems to make common sense.) So even as I'm planning for this baby to come out and how life with two kids and two jobs is going to look, I'm also planning for how I'm going to loose this weight. All of it. I had some really cute clothes before I got pregnant with Lily and I want to get back into them. Or something similar. I'm not unrealistic about my body type- a body that has had a baby is not the same as one that hasn't. Unless there is surgery involved, but I don't have that kind of money.

Bedtime

Sitting here, listening to my daughter cry hysterically, I wonder if it's really the right thing to do. I mean, I enjoy reading, can't I just sit in there and read until she falls asleep like we've been doing for the last week? Is it really fair to her that, because I'm having another baby, she doesn't get the comfort of knowing we're right there?

Except that she used to be fine with it. And we've lived in this house for 2 weeks now, it's not all that new. It shouldn't be so scary for her anymore. She just thinks she's missing something if we're not there with her.

Knowing that doesn't make me feel like any less of a bad mom though.

My goals for this week

1) Pick another publication and plan an article for it (the actual article to be finished by the end of next week.
2) Eat no more than 2 meals out (I'm not counting lunch today, but I'm not giving myself a get out of jail free card for Tuesday and Wednesday either).
3) Walk at least 3 days for at least 30 min- this is harder than it sounds 8 months pregnant when the highs are in the 80s and 90s all week.
4) Get up at least 2 mornings and either swim or do yoga.

June 13

What is it about Saturday mornings that make people think they don't need to shower or wear clean clothes? I'm guilty of it too, as is everyone I know. You don't really plan on doing anything, so you don't really get dressed. Then you end up needing to run and do one errand, which turns into 2, which turns into being out all afternoon in yesterday (or last week's) dirty clothes with your greasy hair either pulled back in a pony tail or hidden underneath a baseball cap, neither of which really does any good because the fly-aways give away the fact that you didn't even brush it this morning.

Is it weird that I only wash my hair about once a week? Shouldn't my body produce more oil than that? I've heard that the oil production on your head is dictated by the amount that you wash- the more you wash the more oil you produce and vice versa. That might be true, because i had cut back to washing every 2 days, then 3, now it's really like once or twice a week. It might also be because I'm not exercising much, when I was getting all sweaty and gross I think I needed to wash it more.

Who is this blog for? What is the point? It's definately for me to "journal" in, but do I want it to do any more? I don't think so. My pilatesformommies blog is definately for a wider audiance, but I don't really care if anyone ever reads this one. Actually, I probobly prefer if they don't. I guess I could make it private, I don't really want to do that either though, I'm not sure why. If it was private I could not sensor myself at all, I do to a certain extent now but it's not all that serious.

I don't know what to do about work. Pilates work I mean. Now I'm sensoring myself. Interesting how I just typed about not doing that and then moved on to a topic where I feel it's neccissary.

Austin is moving so much- he's a lot more active than I remember Lily being. I asked Chris last night if I was this uncomfortable with Lily and he said I was, I just don't remember it. I guess that means I'll forget how uncomfortable I am now too. I don't remember what labor pain was like at all, which is fine, except that I'm starting to get scared of it again.

I hope we can finish getting the house put away today. That would be amazing!

June 12

June is half over already. I've got my iced coffee-milk in hand (more accurate than iced latte as far as I'm concerned) and I'm ready for the day.

Or at least a nice long nap.

I'm definately a "dive into it" person when I get to work, which makes it hard to keep the commitment to do morning pages here. I'm also the mother of a 1 year old though, and that makes it nearly impossible to do them at home. Yes, I could get up earlier and try to do it before she gets up, but I'm 8 months pregnant. I like to sleep.

Speaking of...do I ask Erin if I can take her other class tomorrow, or do I go ahead and give her back the 8am so that I don't have to come in? I can't really take a class, because I can't do anything at this point. I could give myself a lesson, but quite honestly, I don't feel like it. I could use the hour to write, but I could do that at home too. And get my grocery shopping done and my meals planned for the week. But the money would be good for us too.

I'm trying not to be stressed about money, I'm really not sure why I am so stressed at this time. I'm kind of freaking out though. It's just a lot. I don't think it's really sunk in for me yet that the credit cards are paid off, so the bills we get are the bills we get, I'm not going to have to figure out how to pay those and put a significant amount of money towards debt also.

Okay, I need to start work. Off to my day.

I say I want to write...

I say I want to write, but I don't do it. Each night I have free time between when Lily goes to be and when I go to bed- sure I might be completely exhausted, but still. If it was something I really wanted to do, I would have the motivation to do it, right?

Right...except that I am afraid. It has taken me a really long time to say this, but I am afraid that if I try to write something it's going to be bad, or at least not nearly as good as everyone thought my writing was when I was in elementary school. I'm also afraid that it will be really good, because what will that mean for me and my life. Will I be able to make a career out of it? I don't know if I can take being really good at another thing and not being able to have a career doing it (like Pilates). I don't think I can add a third job along with my second child.

Can I put another thing on my to-do list? I have to finish reading the ACE book so I can take the test. Can I read and do any of the other books that I have in my bookshelf?

I really wish I could make a living doing what I want to do...but I am afraid to make a leap. We can't afford it right now with two kids and a new house.