No work allowed

I don't hate my job. (It's telling that I typed that with a ? instead of . the first time.) But I really don't- I work with some great people, and we do great things. But it is a job, not a career. And it's the second time I've tried doing it. I really thought when I went back that was what I wanted, but ever since I've been wondering. Especially since getting pregnant again. The idea of taking Austin to daycare when he is 6-10 weeks old (depending on when he actually comes) literally makes me want to puke. Lily loves the daycare, but she might not hate it here if I made her days structured and fun. I would have to join play groups, etc...but it's not horrible.

But I'm not talking about not working. I'm talking about taking a second try at this independance thing. Teaching, writing. These are the two things I really want to do, and these are the two things that I really don't know how I can do with two kids and a full time job that consumes me.

Even though it's been a full 24 hours since my doctor told me that work was over now, completely over until the baby comes, I've still been thinking about it for about 23.5 of those hours.

I jumped back into work because I enjoyed it, I enjoyed being at Next Big Nashville for that week and working. But since I've been back, I really can't think of any time when I would say I've loved my job. I've hated it at times, I've tolerated it a lot, I almost quit a few times, mostly over Cheri but also over the fact that I wasn't excited about putting two kids in daycare anyway.

Then we moved into this new, beautiful house that I absolutely love and I redid the budget and didn't think quitting was an option. Then I realized that, without actually cutting back on anything except daycare, I can quit my job and we'd be okay. If nothing changes with Chris's job, which we won't know until next month.

What sucks is, I know I'm good at my job. I'm really good at it, which is part of the problem, I have done so well that I have way way way too much on my plate. And I've tried to point that out to my supervisors on multiple occasions, but to no avail- I get temporary help, but I end up getting more done than I thought I could and I am left with the same work load because I have obviously been able to handle it. Then I make a mistake, and although my bosses assure me that it's okay, my clients, who I have bent over backwards for on more than one occasion, make me feel like an absolutely horrible person. I expect perfection from myself, and other people expect it from me too, but perfection all the time (therefore, perfection in definition) is not possible. All I can do is apologize and admit my mistake and figure out what caused it and how to fix it.

But what about when that fix involves other people doing their jobs, and me having extra time to do mine correctly? And, I'm not working more than the 40 hours a week required. I'm not spending my nights and weekends doing the things that I don't have time to do during the days. Well, that's not completely true- for the last 7 months I've been checking my email on my phone during nights and weekends and keeping it caught up at all times. I've taken two vacations, both of which I worked on, to the tune of taking a total of 4 vacation days when I was out of the office for 10. I went on an actual vacation, which was agreed upon when I was hired, and ended up having my pay docked for a week and a half.

One of our job requirements is that we think of our job as a career- but I don't. I think of it as a temporary way to make ends meet and make money for my family. I also think of it as the reason why my kids have to be in daycare 10 hours a day and someone else fixes my daughter's hair more often than I do.

I know I can't make this decision now, while I'm still upset about what happened yesterday. The thing is, I know that deep down I don't really want to quit- there are parts of my job that I really enjoy. No, I'm not sure if that's completely right- I don't want to let anyone down, that's why I'm not sure if I can quit. It's also hard to know, that, more than any other place I've quit, this bridge would burn behind me. They took me back once, they won't do it again. And I wasn't happy at home, I was bored. I guess I can use the first few weeks of Austin's young life as a test to see if I can make this work, but that would be awful hard to do considering that those weeks are not an indication of what life is actually going to be like.

So, I will write and blog and journal for the next week at least. Try to figure out where I really am at with all this.

A wasted night?

Had grand plans for tonight- going to get a lot of writing done, do some work... but, nope. Cleaned up my desktop and did random web surfing. Oh well.

Bedtime

Everyime I look at her, I'm amazed. I can't believe something that beautiful is half me. The half that is from him, I can see that, because he is that beautiful to me too. But she is half me.

Mist people actually say she looks the moat likeme, and I agree that her features resemble my baby pictures most than his. But I don't thunk she loos like me now.

First of all, I don't think I'm beautiful. Even wijiutnall of this pregnancy weight, and left over post pregnancy weight (yes, it's possible to have both at the same time) I've never thought o myself as beautiful. It isn't because people never told me I was, because they did, it's just that my two best friends were (are) supermodel beautiful and I was told how pretty they were a lot. By guys I had been hoping to date.

But she's here, half me, and absolutely georgeous. One thing she definately got from me is her laugh. Her daddy doesn't laugh outnloud much, it is one of my hobbies. Hyperventalating belly laughing. She does that too.

Her litle broter is growing inside if me right now, building up strength for the day very soon when he will be born. This pregnancy has been a lot harder in sOme ways, alot easier in others. It's hard now, hard not to worry about what is happening to my body, about what the consequenses might be if he is born too soon. Part of me wants to protect him by refusing, not matter what the dr says, to have him before I eiher begin labor naturally or hit 37 weeks. But the other part of me wants to be sure I'm here and healthy enough to watch him grow up. I'm not sure which is more selfish- I couldn't live with myself if he has some horrible health problems because he's premature, but I'm not much help sick or worse.

Amanda Moon

What to write

I'm in the middle of about 3 different pieces, and I don't want to finish any of them because they are too personal. I want to write a novel. I remember always hearing that you write about what you know, but how do you get away from writing about your life? How do you use something as a starting point, but then move it quickly into it's own thing.

Changing names and places doesn't work for me. And the circumstances are the starting point. I don't think my life story is all that unique, so I know that what I'm writing about other people can relate to, but really...I don't want to write a memoir or auto biography. Or do I?

Reading about Writing

I do a lot of reading about writing. So much in fact, that I am right now inspired to put down my book and actually do some writing about writing. But maybe, instead of writing about writing, I should just write, and work on my project. So I'm going to. While I'm tied to this bed to make my child go to sleep, I'm going to write.

You've Got a Story

There's this old Christian song that has a line that says "You've got a story to tell." It's specifically talking about how your testimony doesn't have to be some super amazing I-used-to-be-a-drug-addict story, but that God worked in your life, no matter how simply. I've been thinking about that a lot as it relates to my writing.

I've got a story to tell. It's burning inside of me, itching to get out. I don't know what it is yet though. I don't know if it has roots in my life story, or if it is something completely different, with different characters than I've ever known. But I've got a story to tell and I need to get it out.

Writing Time?

This has been my reading time- the time when I just sit in Lily's room waiting for her to fall asleep. But, I think I might be able to use it for writing time too. As long as the tapping at the keyboard doesn't bother her. It's still light enough outside that the light from the screen isn't a big deal, which is nice.

I starting reading Julia Cameron's book something about Paper...I can't remember the name right now- Sound of Paper maybe? last night. I was just trying it out- I got it from the library to see if I wanted to buy it, but I got kind of into it. I'm trying to keep myself from starting anything new right now though, so I kind of made myself quit. I don't know if that was a good idea or not, but between the two jobs and the almost 2 kids, I have enough on my plate. I don't like starting things I can't commit to, it makes me feel like I'm failing when I can't complete it. I am excited to dive into it after the baby is born though- the way it's broken up will work really good for my schedule- it seems like for each section you really only need 15-20 min, which is often all that I have.

Lily used to go to sleep so well on her own, now she lays and plays with her feet and just generally won't stay in her room. I don't know how I feel about putting a lock on the outside of her door, even though I've been told that's what works.

Opportunities

So many opportunities right now to write: there are my blogs, there is "The Skinny On" writing contest which deadlines on July 2, there is the Ink Monkey which deadlines on October 1 and is for fiction only which would be a good exercise for me, there is examiner.com which I should fill out today, and there are the Pilates blogs that I could submit to. Oh- and HerNashville- I would love to get something published in there. It's exciting to think about!

Baby Weight

When people, at least the people in my close cirlces, talk about loosing their baby weight, they are talking about the physical act of giving birth and having their blood volume return to normal, because once that happens, they are back at their pre-pregnancy weight, give or take 5-9 pounds. Yes, their pants might not fit quite right, but give it a couple of months and everything is back to normal.

Me, I gained more than 50lbs with my first child, and only lost about 25 of that with the birth and everything going back to normal. Then my pediatrician's nurse made me feel like I wasn't producing enough milk because my baby wasn't growing quickly enough her first week, so I ate more often and ended up gaining another 10 lbs. Then I had ankle surgery (yes, with a 6 week old new born) which put me on crutches for 6 weeks and in boot for 4 more. The weight was definately not falling off.

I don't think I did too badly while I was pregnant. Yes, there were often times when I would eat more than was neccissary, but it wasn't out of control. I wasn't one of those people who constantly said "I'm eating for two" to justify what she was putting into her mouth. A lot of my now-at-pre-pregnancy size friends were those people, and somehow, they are just as small as they were before the baby. I, on the other hand, am not.

My weight has always been an adventure, if that's the right word. I weighed 150 lbs in 5th grade. The reason I remember this is because I severly sprained my ankle that summer (it was actually probobly broken, but we didn't learn that until I was 18) and we were living in our camper while our house was being built. My dad realized he couldn't pick me up anymore and asked me what I weighed, and determined it was no longer safe for me to be on the top bunk.

When I graduated from high school I think I was around 180. I topped 200 during my freshman year of college when I hit the two hundred teens, but I lost 20 lbs during Christmas break by reading some book and journaling my food. My weight stayed pretty steady then for a while, hovering somewhere in the 190 range until I got married.

Not sure what happened then...wait...yes I am. My now- husband and I spent most of our dates going out to eat. I worked ridiculous hours that messed with my metabloism, and I ate simply to stay awake at some point on most days. The summer after we were married I topped out at 225 I believe, and realized I had to make a change. I started journalling my food again and got down to 202 in about 3 months. I joined Weight Watchers and 6 months later I broke the 170 mark on the scale for the first time since sometime in junior high. I was getting frustrated with Weight Watchers by then tho, first of all because as I lost weight I got to eat less and less and I was at the point where I truely felt like I wasn't getting enough food. I was training to walk a marathon and desperately hungry all the time. Plus, my goal weight was 150 (I'm only 5'4") and I didn't think I'd ever actually get there seeing as that was my weight when I was 10 years old. So, I decided to save the money each week and I quit.

I stopped tracking my food, but I continued with my exercise. I gained about 5 lbs back pretty quickly, but it stopped there. Until I got pregnant.

Now, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't give up my fantastic daughter to be thinner, but the thought of having to loose it all over again is daunting.

After my ankle surgery I joined Weight Watchers again, but as a nursing mother the points system didn't work for me at all. First of all, the numbers were completely arbitrary- if I ate everything I was allowed to I would gain a lot of weight. So, since I was getting essentially no guidance, I quit again. I started exercising again on a regular basis, and decided to do a triathlon. The training was successful, I didn't loose as much weight as I was hoping with it but I did make huge gains in my fitness level. I successfully completed in the first weekend in October. A month or so later, I became pregnant with our second child.

This pregnancy has been much better on the weight gain side- so far I'm only at 25lbs and I'm 8 months along. However, I started this pregnancy almost 30 lbs heavier than I started the last one and that's causing some problems- for one thing, my joints hurt. Secondly, the high blood pressure problems I had during my first pregnancy are multiplied by the fact that my weight is so much higher this time (no one has medically confirmed that for me, but it just seems to make common sense.) So even as I'm planning for this baby to come out and how life with two kids and two jobs is going to look, I'm also planning for how I'm going to loose this weight. All of it. I had some really cute clothes before I got pregnant with Lily and I want to get back into them. Or something similar. I'm not unrealistic about my body type- a body that has had a baby is not the same as one that hasn't. Unless there is surgery involved, but I don't have that kind of money.

Bedtime

Sitting here, listening to my daughter cry hysterically, I wonder if it's really the right thing to do. I mean, I enjoy reading, can't I just sit in there and read until she falls asleep like we've been doing for the last week? Is it really fair to her that, because I'm having another baby, she doesn't get the comfort of knowing we're right there?

Except that she used to be fine with it. And we've lived in this house for 2 weeks now, it's not all that new. It shouldn't be so scary for her anymore. She just thinks she's missing something if we're not there with her.

Knowing that doesn't make me feel like any less of a bad mom though.

My goals for this week

1) Pick another publication and plan an article for it (the actual article to be finished by the end of next week.
2) Eat no more than 2 meals out (I'm not counting lunch today, but I'm not giving myself a get out of jail free card for Tuesday and Wednesday either).
3) Walk at least 3 days for at least 30 min- this is harder than it sounds 8 months pregnant when the highs are in the 80s and 90s all week.
4) Get up at least 2 mornings and either swim or do yoga.

June 13

What is it about Saturday mornings that make people think they don't need to shower or wear clean clothes? I'm guilty of it too, as is everyone I know. You don't really plan on doing anything, so you don't really get dressed. Then you end up needing to run and do one errand, which turns into 2, which turns into being out all afternoon in yesterday (or last week's) dirty clothes with your greasy hair either pulled back in a pony tail or hidden underneath a baseball cap, neither of which really does any good because the fly-aways give away the fact that you didn't even brush it this morning.

Is it weird that I only wash my hair about once a week? Shouldn't my body produce more oil than that? I've heard that the oil production on your head is dictated by the amount that you wash- the more you wash the more oil you produce and vice versa. That might be true, because i had cut back to washing every 2 days, then 3, now it's really like once or twice a week. It might also be because I'm not exercising much, when I was getting all sweaty and gross I think I needed to wash it more.

Who is this blog for? What is the point? It's definately for me to "journal" in, but do I want it to do any more? I don't think so. My pilatesformommies blog is definately for a wider audiance, but I don't really care if anyone ever reads this one. Actually, I probobly prefer if they don't. I guess I could make it private, I don't really want to do that either though, I'm not sure why. If it was private I could not sensor myself at all, I do to a certain extent now but it's not all that serious.

I don't know what to do about work. Pilates work I mean. Now I'm sensoring myself. Interesting how I just typed about not doing that and then moved on to a topic where I feel it's neccissary.

Austin is moving so much- he's a lot more active than I remember Lily being. I asked Chris last night if I was this uncomfortable with Lily and he said I was, I just don't remember it. I guess that means I'll forget how uncomfortable I am now too. I don't remember what labor pain was like at all, which is fine, except that I'm starting to get scared of it again.

I hope we can finish getting the house put away today. That would be amazing!

June 12

June is half over already. I've got my iced coffee-milk in hand (more accurate than iced latte as far as I'm concerned) and I'm ready for the day.

Or at least a nice long nap.

I'm definately a "dive into it" person when I get to work, which makes it hard to keep the commitment to do morning pages here. I'm also the mother of a 1 year old though, and that makes it nearly impossible to do them at home. Yes, I could get up earlier and try to do it before she gets up, but I'm 8 months pregnant. I like to sleep.

Speaking of...do I ask Erin if I can take her other class tomorrow, or do I go ahead and give her back the 8am so that I don't have to come in? I can't really take a class, because I can't do anything at this point. I could give myself a lesson, but quite honestly, I don't feel like it. I could use the hour to write, but I could do that at home too. And get my grocery shopping done and my meals planned for the week. But the money would be good for us too.

I'm trying not to be stressed about money, I'm really not sure why I am so stressed at this time. I'm kind of freaking out though. It's just a lot. I don't think it's really sunk in for me yet that the credit cards are paid off, so the bills we get are the bills we get, I'm not going to have to figure out how to pay those and put a significant amount of money towards debt also.

Okay, I need to start work. Off to my day.

I say I want to write...

I say I want to write, but I don't do it. Each night I have free time between when Lily goes to be and when I go to bed- sure I might be completely exhausted, but still. If it was something I really wanted to do, I would have the motivation to do it, right?

Right...except that I am afraid. It has taken me a really long time to say this, but I am afraid that if I try to write something it's going to be bad, or at least not nearly as good as everyone thought my writing was when I was in elementary school. I'm also afraid that it will be really good, because what will that mean for me and my life. Will I be able to make a career out of it? I don't know if I can take being really good at another thing and not being able to have a career doing it (like Pilates). I don't think I can add a third job along with my second child.

Can I put another thing on my to-do list? I have to finish reading the ACE book so I can take the test. Can I read and do any of the other books that I have in my bookshelf?

I really wish I could make a living doing what I want to do...but I am afraid to make a leap. We can't afford it right now with two kids and a new house.

May 20

I realized something last night. Or yesterday during the day I guess technically. Actually, I just realized something right now too. I'll start with now, because my mind doesn't want to confront what I realized last night. I just realized that I can't do this without having music on. I really think it would be great if I could get to the point where I could, I think that the music is a way for me to be distracted and that's not what I want when I'm doing my morning pages. If the music isn't just right, then I want to change it and I start switching back and forth between iPods and wasting all sorts of time.

What I realized last night is that I really want to write. Everything else I do is perifrial- I want to write but I can't spell- anyway- I love Pilates but I'd like to write about it. My favorite days at work on when I get to draft things. That was my favorite thing to do at Million Man, Alabaster, all of my internships, etc. I love to write. I always have, ever since I was a little kid. But I'm scared. What if I'm really bad at it? I know I'm really bad at the follow-through part of it, but I think that's really all just born out of a fear of failure. What is keeping me from writing a book? Eating and watching TV basically.

At the new house I'll have an office. I can be in there working while Chris is in the family room watching TV. I can be close to my family but doing my own thing. I bought a computer so I could do this for heaven's sakes. I have great ideas, I'm good at getting my ideas down on paper, just not good at developing them. When did I get so shot down????? I don't remember ever having my writing critisized in a bad way. Even Mr. Brown, who was always negative, gave me good feedback. I've been published multiple times. Why am I not doing this?

I have had the article for Pilates Digest done for over 6 months and haven't sent it. Why? I don't know. Why don't I want to be published? Why am I sabatoging myself so much?

My time is almost up, I was really hoping that this would just cause some answers to flow out of my fingers but it's not happening. Maybe I should go back and re-do the creativity circle again. I have all of the information and assignments, it would be a good kick in the pants to get going. I could also work through some of the other books I bought. I need to just get going. I will become involved with the writers meet up before Austin is born. In June, after the move, I will make the time for myself to go, even though I will probobly only be able to go once before he comes. At least it's a start.

May 19

I'm proud of myself, I just sat down at my desk and I'm starting to write. And I read part of the ACE manual last night. I have so much personally that I need to do I think I'm going to have another day where I can't focus:
1) Call utility companies for McMahan
2) Call utility companies for Gardendale
3) Research Seating
4) Pick day for ACE test
5) Exercise (I'm committed to doing this on my lunch break again. I was going to lift weights, but I forgot to bring shoes, so I'll swim).

I wish I had some clearer direction and was more content. I don't hate this job in any way shape or form, but I'm not as happy with the rest of my life as I was when I worked here before. I feel like I'm constantly playing catch up. Maybe it's a new mom thing that I'll get used to. Maybe I need more friends to help me through it. I think it'll be better after we move and I have Austin, when I can stay up a bit later at night to spend time with Chris and I'm not so exhausted every day that I feel like I don't have any fun with Lily. I'm also excited to wear normal clothes again.

All of this, and I am terrified that this baby is going to come too soon. I feel guilty saying I'm uncomfortable and that I'm tired of wearing maternity clothes (or not, I just don't want to go buy any more. I wonder if all of my shirts are going to look funny after my belly is gone.)

May 18

Okay, first of all, let's talk about signing into a blog. Why is it that about 1/2 the time it remembers me and my password, and the other half it acts like this computer has never visited this website before? I get not keepign the password forever and ever amen, but usually most keep the username.

I'm downloading a podcast that was posted a bit later than it normally is so I didn't get it on my home computer. I love my iPhone. I think I just got stuck in iTunes Store never never land though. The other thing about the iPhone is the Genius Playlist capability, the only problem is about half of my music came from Chris and isn't the final mastered version so it's not recognized. Oh well... I don't know why music can so dictate my ability to work (or journal, as it may be.)

I spent most of the weekend frustrated, feeling like I have no idea how I'm going to do this job and teach Pilates and have any chance at any sort of life after Austin is born. This is the job I would like to give up, but I don't make enough money teaching Pilates to put the kids in daycare, so the choice is do that and make enough money but never ever see my husband, or do this and just do a little of that on the side. There is a new, very upscale development next to Franklin Green that I may see if has a gym or fitness center- I could start out with weekly mat classes and maybe progress up to buying some equipment...I don't know how it would work exactly but it seems like a great idea. Plus they are building an elementary school, I could start a Pilates in the Schools program in Williamson County maybe...there are a lot of possiblilies, the only problem is the cash (or lack there of).

We went through the garage yesterday, I told Chris I'm a bit worried we didn't find more to get rid of. I don't know if it's because we are being pack rats, or if it's because we already got rid of so much. He assures me we've already gotten rid of it and that's why it's not there.

I need to do a headshot tonight so I can submit my article for Pilates Digest. I also need to get an idea list together and start writing more often. I spend a lot of time watching TV when I could be doing other things to further my goals. Plus, I like to sleep. I know I need to stock up because after Austin is born I won't get any for a while, but still. How in the heck am I going to go back to work full time when he's just 4 weeks old? I know it's at home for 2 weeks, but still, I will need to sleep. I don't know, I guess I need to just quit worrying about it and just see how it plays out.

May 12

I'm doing it. It took me 10 minutes at my desk doing piddly other things (checking email, finding just the right music, etc.) but I am doing it. I'm doing a morning page for the first time in like 9 months. I want to look into the Julia Cameron book that they talked about on Hip Tranquil Chick this morning, I'll see if the library has it.

We sold the bookcase yesterday to two really nice cops. Oddly, they weren't cops that had ever been to the fire department by our house though, they were undercover and in the gang unit. Although it's odd to me that they would tell me they work under cover. The guy's name was Mike and in a lot of ways (speach, mannerisms) he reminded me a lot of Mike. It really kind of creeped me out.

I was only going to write for 10 min but I just ended up on the phone with Chris for 5 so I guess I have another 5 to go. He really frustrates me sometimes, he won't articulate his thoughts in any understandable manner and just sounds upset all the time. This move has been really stressful for both of us, but I think he's bearing the brunt of it because he ends up being the one to go home most often, he has a more flexible job. Plus, I was gone all last week, I have to be at work during certian hours, etc.

I'm really not feeling well today at all. I have a cough, I'm really tired, I just want to sleep. Maybe I should just go home and rest and then work from there for a while, I don't know. I just really feel yucky. I thought I could ignore it, but it's not working.

Speaking of working, I better get to it.

Good Mother's Day

After being gone for a whole week, coming home on Mother's Day was truely a treat. I woke up way earlier than I wanted to and let Chris sleep in so I could spend some time with Lily. They had driven to Franklin and bought me a gift card for a coffee shop that a friend said had the best coffee in Franklin so that I could go there and write after we moved. How amazingly sweet that Chris even thought of that considering all we have going on right now. I haven't even thought abut my writing more than on a cursury note on the plane the other night since sometime in April...around when the last blog post was. I really feel like I'm in a place where I need to take some time and do some planning, I'm just not sure when I'm going to be able to or what kind of shape that will take.

I'm thinking about starting to do a form of morning pages again, possibly through this blog. That is risky because I'm putting it out there then, and I might sensor myself which defeats the purpose of the morning pages. But, then again, I don't know that anyone actually reads this besides me, it may just be my portable journal.

How did this all become my responsibility? I have to carry the child, then apparantly it is completely up to me to determine how to care for the child and, if I work, to figure out who will watch it while I work. Plus I must be sure to feed and clothe my family. Sure, he will do the dishes and the laundry and he mows the lawn because my wrist won't let me push the mower that long, but the little things...filling out a sheet of paper to have our furniture cleaned...that takes months. And telling his assistant the AC at the company apartment is broken- that takes 5 days- 2 after I point out that the AC has been running for a day and the place hasn't gotten any cooler, and 2 nights where we sweat more than we sleep. I hired the painter after waiting for 2 weeks for him to call and get quotes that never came in. I met the fence people. When the baby is sick I'm the one who has to figure out how to get my job done while I'm at home with a 1 year old.

And today is his birthday, so I'm not allowed to be mad at him. I have to go to lunch with him. I don't want to. I'm tired. I'm tired of doing everything. I'm tired of not being able to have a conversation with him because he just pretends to listen, doesn't really give any feedback.