May 20

I realized something last night. Or yesterday during the day I guess technically. Actually, I just realized something right now too. I'll start with now, because my mind doesn't want to confront what I realized last night. I just realized that I can't do this without having music on. I really think it would be great if I could get to the point where I could, I think that the music is a way for me to be distracted and that's not what I want when I'm doing my morning pages. If the music isn't just right, then I want to change it and I start switching back and forth between iPods and wasting all sorts of time.

What I realized last night is that I really want to write. Everything else I do is perifrial- I want to write but I can't spell- anyway- I love Pilates but I'd like to write about it. My favorite days at work on when I get to draft things. That was my favorite thing to do at Million Man, Alabaster, all of my internships, etc. I love to write. I always have, ever since I was a little kid. But I'm scared. What if I'm really bad at it? I know I'm really bad at the follow-through part of it, but I think that's really all just born out of a fear of failure. What is keeping me from writing a book? Eating and watching TV basically.

At the new house I'll have an office. I can be in there working while Chris is in the family room watching TV. I can be close to my family but doing my own thing. I bought a computer so I could do this for heaven's sakes. I have great ideas, I'm good at getting my ideas down on paper, just not good at developing them. When did I get so shot down????? I don't remember ever having my writing critisized in a bad way. Even Mr. Brown, who was always negative, gave me good feedback. I've been published multiple times. Why am I not doing this?

I have had the article for Pilates Digest done for over 6 months and haven't sent it. Why? I don't know. Why don't I want to be published? Why am I sabatoging myself so much?

My time is almost up, I was really hoping that this would just cause some answers to flow out of my fingers but it's not happening. Maybe I should go back and re-do the creativity circle again. I have all of the information and assignments, it would be a good kick in the pants to get going. I could also work through some of the other books I bought. I need to just get going. I will become involved with the writers meet up before Austin is born. In June, after the move, I will make the time for myself to go, even though I will probobly only be able to go once before he comes. At least it's a start.

May 19

I'm proud of myself, I just sat down at my desk and I'm starting to write. And I read part of the ACE manual last night. I have so much personally that I need to do I think I'm going to have another day where I can't focus:
1) Call utility companies for McMahan
2) Call utility companies for Gardendale
3) Research Seating
4) Pick day for ACE test
5) Exercise (I'm committed to doing this on my lunch break again. I was going to lift weights, but I forgot to bring shoes, so I'll swim).

I wish I had some clearer direction and was more content. I don't hate this job in any way shape or form, but I'm not as happy with the rest of my life as I was when I worked here before. I feel like I'm constantly playing catch up. Maybe it's a new mom thing that I'll get used to. Maybe I need more friends to help me through it. I think it'll be better after we move and I have Austin, when I can stay up a bit later at night to spend time with Chris and I'm not so exhausted every day that I feel like I don't have any fun with Lily. I'm also excited to wear normal clothes again.

All of this, and I am terrified that this baby is going to come too soon. I feel guilty saying I'm uncomfortable and that I'm tired of wearing maternity clothes (or not, I just don't want to go buy any more. I wonder if all of my shirts are going to look funny after my belly is gone.)

May 18

Okay, first of all, let's talk about signing into a blog. Why is it that about 1/2 the time it remembers me and my password, and the other half it acts like this computer has never visited this website before? I get not keepign the password forever and ever amen, but usually most keep the username.

I'm downloading a podcast that was posted a bit later than it normally is so I didn't get it on my home computer. I love my iPhone. I think I just got stuck in iTunes Store never never land though. The other thing about the iPhone is the Genius Playlist capability, the only problem is about half of my music came from Chris and isn't the final mastered version so it's not recognized. Oh well... I don't know why music can so dictate my ability to work (or journal, as it may be.)

I spent most of the weekend frustrated, feeling like I have no idea how I'm going to do this job and teach Pilates and have any chance at any sort of life after Austin is born. This is the job I would like to give up, but I don't make enough money teaching Pilates to put the kids in daycare, so the choice is do that and make enough money but never ever see my husband, or do this and just do a little of that on the side. There is a new, very upscale development next to Franklin Green that I may see if has a gym or fitness center- I could start out with weekly mat classes and maybe progress up to buying some equipment...I don't know how it would work exactly but it seems like a great idea. Plus they are building an elementary school, I could start a Pilates in the Schools program in Williamson County maybe...there are a lot of possiblilies, the only problem is the cash (or lack there of).

We went through the garage yesterday, I told Chris I'm a bit worried we didn't find more to get rid of. I don't know if it's because we are being pack rats, or if it's because we already got rid of so much. He assures me we've already gotten rid of it and that's why it's not there.

I need to do a headshot tonight so I can submit my article for Pilates Digest. I also need to get an idea list together and start writing more often. I spend a lot of time watching TV when I could be doing other things to further my goals. Plus, I like to sleep. I know I need to stock up because after Austin is born I won't get any for a while, but still. How in the heck am I going to go back to work full time when he's just 4 weeks old? I know it's at home for 2 weeks, but still, I will need to sleep. I don't know, I guess I need to just quit worrying about it and just see how it plays out.

May 12

I'm doing it. It took me 10 minutes at my desk doing piddly other things (checking email, finding just the right music, etc.) but I am doing it. I'm doing a morning page for the first time in like 9 months. I want to look into the Julia Cameron book that they talked about on Hip Tranquil Chick this morning, I'll see if the library has it.

We sold the bookcase yesterday to two really nice cops. Oddly, they weren't cops that had ever been to the fire department by our house though, they were undercover and in the gang unit. Although it's odd to me that they would tell me they work under cover. The guy's name was Mike and in a lot of ways (speach, mannerisms) he reminded me a lot of Mike. It really kind of creeped me out.

I was only going to write for 10 min but I just ended up on the phone with Chris for 5 so I guess I have another 5 to go. He really frustrates me sometimes, he won't articulate his thoughts in any understandable manner and just sounds upset all the time. This move has been really stressful for both of us, but I think he's bearing the brunt of it because he ends up being the one to go home most often, he has a more flexible job. Plus, I was gone all last week, I have to be at work during certian hours, etc.

I'm really not feeling well today at all. I have a cough, I'm really tired, I just want to sleep. Maybe I should just go home and rest and then work from there for a while, I don't know. I just really feel yucky. I thought I could ignore it, but it's not working.

Speaking of working, I better get to it.

Good Mother's Day

After being gone for a whole week, coming home on Mother's Day was truely a treat. I woke up way earlier than I wanted to and let Chris sleep in so I could spend some time with Lily. They had driven to Franklin and bought me a gift card for a coffee shop that a friend said had the best coffee in Franklin so that I could go there and write after we moved. How amazingly sweet that Chris even thought of that considering all we have going on right now. I haven't even thought abut my writing more than on a cursury note on the plane the other night since sometime in April...around when the last blog post was. I really feel like I'm in a place where I need to take some time and do some planning, I'm just not sure when I'm going to be able to or what kind of shape that will take.

I'm thinking about starting to do a form of morning pages again, possibly through this blog. That is risky because I'm putting it out there then, and I might sensor myself which defeats the purpose of the morning pages. But, then again, I don't know that anyone actually reads this besides me, it may just be my portable journal.

How did this all become my responsibility? I have to carry the child, then apparantly it is completely up to me to determine how to care for the child and, if I work, to figure out who will watch it while I work. Plus I must be sure to feed and clothe my family. Sure, he will do the dishes and the laundry and he mows the lawn because my wrist won't let me push the mower that long, but the little things...filling out a sheet of paper to have our furniture cleaned...that takes months. And telling his assistant the AC at the company apartment is broken- that takes 5 days- 2 after I point out that the AC has been running for a day and the place hasn't gotten any cooler, and 2 nights where we sweat more than we sleep. I hired the painter after waiting for 2 weeks for him to call and get quotes that never came in. I met the fence people. When the baby is sick I'm the one who has to figure out how to get my job done while I'm at home with a 1 year old.

And today is his birthday, so I'm not allowed to be mad at him. I have to go to lunch with him. I don't want to. I'm tired. I'm tired of doing everything. I'm tired of not being able to have a conversation with him because he just pretends to listen, doesn't really give any feedback.

Notes from Listening to Oprah's Podcast

When offered a new opportunity, ask yourself:
WHY am I going to be doing this
WHO am I going to be working with
WHAT am I going to be doing

Join b/c why, stay b/c who, quit b/c of what.

My birthing years 1

"Birthing years"- I first heard this phrase, in referance to myself, from an orthepedist telling me that my knee wasn't going to get any better- that the cartiledge started to wear down after women hit a "certain age." I was either 24 years old.

Have you heard of the quarter-life-crisis? I was in the midst of one. I had just begun a new job, seemingly my dream job as the Executive Assistant to the President of a record label that I had been hoping to work at for the past 6 years. I had been married for a year and a half and we were just finally starting to find a balance between my husbands all consuming career and my all consuming need for attention. I was training to walk a marathon, thus the knee problems and the visit to the orthepedist.

My Executive Assistant position was the 4 job I had had in the past 3 years. I had gone from basically being the accounting department for a small company that the owner was essentially stealing money from to the office manager of a start up company, where I quit 4 weeks in because the owner began taking money from the company for personal expenses. I then spent a few months unemployed and bored out of my mind trying to figure out a way to have a career in writing. Exploring going back to school, trying to find a way to free lance- this was before I knew about blogs and the power the can have. After realizing I was going crazy without some structure in my life, I finally got a job adminstered scholarships. I didn't love the job, but other than a few co-workers who I really didn't like, it was fine. I made good money, I lost 50 lbs because I started exercising and joined weight watchers. I was pretty happy, and when I found out about the label job I actually declined to apply for it until the 3rd time my pastor pulled me aside and said "Amanda, you REALLY should apply for this job."

Writing

I think I finally have the ideas that I need to begin my books. Yes, books. Can I realistically do 2 at a time? I've been thinking and waiting and stewing over how to use Grandma's calendars for more than a year and a half now, and I think i have it. I also want to write a based-on-reality book about my life right now, but make it more exciting. The one about me I'm going to use this blog to formulate so that I can write where ever I am. I may need to set up a blog for the one about Grandma so I can do the same thing. That's a great idea actually.

Thankfulness and Appreciation

I'm struggling today with wanting to use positive reenforcement and letting people know that I really appreciate what they do, and wondering if I should stop thanking people for doing things that are actually their jobs, and they get paid for them. The problem with thanking people too often, I think, is that they start to think that what they are doing is a favor to you instead of an integral part of keeping the business running. Therefore, they stop doing those items that they don't really like to do unless they are specifically asked, and things don't get done in a timely manner. And besides, who wants to constantly remind someone to do their job?

Lucky to be a mom

Lily absolutely amazes me every day. My lesson from her today is: just because you are sick doesn't mean you have to act that way. Sleep when you need to sleep, eat when and what you want to eat, and play. Take your tylenol and ibuprophen and you'll feel better eventually. And snuggle.

Banana oatmeal chocolate chip cookies

1 cup oat flower
3/4 cup old fashioned rolled oats
1/2tsp baking powder
1/3 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2cup raw sugar or honey
1/3 cup canola oil
1/3 cup plain soy milk
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 ripe banana, chopped
1/4 cup chopped walnuts
1/3 cup semi sweet vegan chic chips

Heat oven to 350. Mix 1st 6 ingredients. Wisk together oil, milk,and
vanilla in a seperate bowl, stir into dry mixture. Fold in banana,
nuts and chic chips. Cook for 25 min.

Sent from my iPhone

Frustrated...

I'm so frustrated today- everything I do seems to be met with a road block, whether it be a person or something mental for myself. I sat down yesterday to write my goals for the year and realized I don't have any. I'm thrilled to be pregnant again, but I've somehow let this baby completely take over my life. I feel like I'm in that limbo place again where I hate to be. How far along am I? If I am only 8 weeks, am I having 2? Why do I feel so big? Why am I so gaggy? I'm so tired, I just want to nap. Why can't I just nap?

Why do I keep gaining weight, even as I eat less and less and exercise more and more. Why don't my pants fit, I'm not supposed to be showing yet.

Why does my company continue to employ people who are not doing their jobs? Why do I have to go back and forth, back and forth before anything gets done?

Great Day

I got up and went for a run. My coffee tastes good and I have my inspirational coffee cup. I'm pregnant but my pants fit today (they didn't yesterday) and I have my cute red shoes on. Plus, I'm having a fantastic hair day. Life is good!

I'm baaaaack...

Wow- it's been nearly 5 months since my last post. I will try to either start updating this on a more regular basis, or I will just close it.

My teaching at the studio has really picked up. I'm quite busy now, but that leaves me less and less time to work for myself. All of my projects seem to live "on hold." This week I have vowed to dust off the goals for the year, re-assess them, and make an action plan to complete them. The good news is, I am almost back to under 200 lbs and loosing my baby weight by October 16 seems like it is still a doable goal!

Like flies to honey...

Why is it that I seem to invite shady people like flies to honey? I'm honest and hardworking, and I expect and assume those around me are too. I keep finding out just a minute too late that I am wrong. How can I improve my ability to judge character?

I've prayed many times for discernment, I wonder why I'm not receiving this gift. I'm sure God is trying to hand it to me, but for some reason I'm just not getting it.

Motherhood

I love my baby. She is beautiful and fabulous, and overall, really easy to take care of. Last night, when I was trying to put her to bed I was nursing her and singing to her, and she stopped nursing, looked and me, smiled and started singing with me. It was the sweetest thing! But, then she wouldn't go to sleep last night, we finally brought her into our bed at around midnight- her bedtime is 8:30, so 3 1/2 hours of rocking/singing/feeding later, we don't believe the cry it out method is good for any babies, especially not one that's not even three months old yet. She didn't sleep well last night, cried on and off a lot, even in bed with us, woke up at 3 and we didn't get her back to sleep until after 4. She's been crabby this morning too- I tried to take her to weight watchers with me (for the second time this week, but that's a whole nother story) and had to leave right after I got there because she wouldn't stop crying- I couldn't get her to nurse, nothing. I knew she was just too tired, but still, I hate hearing her scream like that. And I feel bad for interrupting the meeting. I know I need to get used to it- be sensitive to other people, but the child is going to cry as her main form of communication for the next 6 or so months, so...

Wondering...

I haven't written in a long time. I spent the month of September essentially living at the studio, teaching around 20 hours a week and finally knocked out all of my observation hours. I have 6 more self practice hours to meet my goal of completing 135 hours by October 15, which will leave me with 40 self practice and 20 apprentice teaching to complete after Lily comes. Once I complete these 6, I am going to stop until she arrives. My body is tired.

My website is essentially up. I need to add a few things yet, but you can view it at www.pilatesformommies.net if you want to check it out. I met with a small business adviser a month or so ago, it was the most frustrating, unproductive 2 hours of my life ever. He kept telling me that I should start a clothing line, and buy ad space in the magazines they give away for free at Kroger. Um, no, and...no. I have thought about eventually having a line of workout clothes for pregnant women, because, lets face it, they are impossible to find and when you do, they are ugly. But not until much farther down the road. I don't want to take out a huge loan right now! Plus- buying ad space in free publications would most certainly not target women who are going to pay $15 to come to a fitness class.

I contacted my old boss to see if there was a possibility of me coming back in some form or fashion at the beginning of the new year. I haven't heard back from her yet, which is making me nervous. Her kids might be on fall break though, in which case she might not be working. '

I'm having a hard time going back and forth between thinking I need to be working more than I will when I'm teaching, and the idea of putting Lily in daycare. Quite honestly, the thought terrifies the crap out of me. We don't know anyone with kids in daycare in our area, and we keep hearing stories of kids getting abused, neglected, or forgotten at childcare facilities. Plus, I want to be the one to teach her how to read and write and count like my mom did for me. But there is still a part of me that wants to work...can I hold off on that until she starts school? Can I provide her the social interactions she needs until then? If I do keep her home with me until she's 5, am I going to be comfortable letting her go to a public school? These are the questions I'm struggling with right now.

It's been a week- this is frustrating

So I know I'm slacking. It's been a week since I've updated. But I've been really really busy between teaching and I'm not sure what else right now, but trust me, I've been busy. Started my website over the weekend, hoping to have it up sometime soon, probably will take a few more weeks though.

I'm having a hard time- I'm really frustrated. Everyone I pitch Pilates for Mommies too loves the idea, wants to work with me, but doesn't have the space or has worked with prenatal programs before that haven't been successful. Chris is really encouraging, but still, it's hard not to really question the whole concept. I really thought it would be easier than this- Pregnant women need to exercise. Why is it so hard to reach them to tell them about the program?!?!?!?!?

I've been really busy with Next Big Nashville stuff too, I'm excited at how that's coming together. I honestly don't know if I'll put up another entry this week or not, i"m out of pocket until Friday though so don't expect one sooner than that.

I've missed a few days....sorry!

Wow. Time flys. So, here's what's been keeping me busy:

Friday: Honestly don't remember what I did Friday morning, I think it was working on Next Big Nashville Stuff trying to get it organized. At around 11, I set out to the public library, list in hand, looking for all of the do-it-yourself website design materials I could find. After checking out 6 -2+inch thick books, I came home and promptly bought myself the domain www.pilatesformommies.net. How is it that all the pregnancy & maternity related domain names in the dot com realm are bought, but not a single one has information up???? Squatters. Ugh. Anyway, after a few hours of reseach, I learned that my fabulous iMac was already equipped with the software I needed, and knew how to use. iWeb is my friend :) I created a fun page holder, complete with a link to email me, while I plan out the site. I have an entire day this week reserved to do just that.

Saturday I taught, and worked on VIP stuff for NBN. OH! That's what I did Friday morning- VIP list stuff. Anyway, we had a lovely dinner with Chris parents on Saturday night, and a quiet evening at home watching the 2nd Bourne movie. I haven't seen the first, but Chris visited all of the movie stores in town and was unable to find a copy of it for rent. Didn't seem to matter much though, I still enjoyed it.

Sunday I was sick. Was awake most of the night unable to breathe or get comfortable, and woke up feeling miserable. Summer cold, brought on by the insane amount of air conditioning required to keep the oven that is my body comfortable.

Because I was sick, I sort of took Monday off- I was supposed to teach two lovely ladies, but canceled on them both to recover. I ended up working on NBN stuff for a few hours in the morning, took at nice hour and a half long nap, and left to run some errands. As I walked out of the house, I realized that the sky was blue- after weeks of having a gross haze over the city, the nights' thunderstorm seemed to have cleared it off a bit. So, I grabbed my camera, and added city scape photography to my agenda for the afternoon. There is a hill just north of my house with a spectacular city view- when the sky isn't gross, so I was excited to go take some pictures. Unfortunately, the sky was still gross over the city. Looking north, away from the city, it was a pretty blue, but a haze still clouded the buildings in the skyline.

I did climb up to the top of Love Circle and take a few pictures from there, it wasn't horrible but not what I was hoping for. I spent the rest of the afternoon at starbucks, nursing my drink and reading "20 Things You Must Know About Music Online" (http://www.newmusicstrategies.com/ebook). It has a lot of great information for bands building themselves a web presence, but beyond that, for businesses building a web presence. I recommend it if you do anything business related on the internet.

This morning started out early- I popped the tire on Chris's car last night so he had to take it in to get it repaired, so I was on the computer working by 7am. It's 9:30, and I have updated the NBN website with all the bio information I've received, I've prepared and submitted another program proposal to a Pilates studio that I think would be a great fit, and I've written my morning pages. I have crossed everything off my to-do list for the day, other than working my way through "Making a Name for Yourself" which I am going to dive into right now...